We Made It...(Belated)

I finally have my life to the point where I can sit for a few minutes at a time and actually get on Facebook, or send an email, and this morning I am trying to think of something to write on my poor neglected blog.  So I guess I will write about the past month of our crazy lives.
Shelby and I survived the trip out here, as did my dear dad and stepmom, mice, and Buick.  The plane trip went exceptionally well considering I had a 6 year old, two suitcases, two carry-ons, and two unsedated cats with me.  The cats had to be removed from their carriers at security and carried through.  Shelby took the smaller cat, I took the big fat one, and they both cooperated beautifully.  One cat cried during takeoff the whole time, and the other cat just kicked back for the flight like he does it all the time.  He was so confident in himself he didn't even listen to the safety speech they give before takeoff.
Wayne met us in baggage, and when Shelby spotted him she took off at full speed to jump into his waiting arms, and got shy once she got 5 feet away and hit the brakes.  The whole shy act lasted about two minutes though.
My dad and stepmom Lori drove my car out here with Shelby's mice.  The car did great, and the mice saw some beautiful country.  I would receive a picture of them now and then, their cage sitting on a rock in the petrified forest or on a ledge overlooking the painted desert.  It was usually followed by a picture of a bird and a text from my dad explaining that the bird is what came by and ate the mice.   My favorite was when he called me and gave me a mile marker number and interstate, and told me there was a small cross made of sticks and a shallow grave that he dug with a Subway cup to bury the mice, etc etc.
I let Shelby take that first week off from school, but she started the second week.  When I took her to register her, the school was very different than her school in Indiana because it is about 1/4 the size.  There weren't any formalities...they called a teacher up to the front office, who came out, squatted down in front of her, asked her a couple of questions and then he stood up and said "This one is mine."  It was love at first sight, I'm pretty sure.  Shelby blushed the whole time he was talking to her, and he doesn't seem to be much older than her.  I also found her the daycare of her dreams, complete with a huge indoor playground that looks like a little town for when it is too HOT to play outside.  She has adjusted amazingly, she actually seems happier these days than she's ever been.  The daycare employees absolutely adore her and her freckles.
I got a job and started working a couple of weeks ago.  Wayne works for a small plumbing company, owned by a husband and wife team.  He and the husband are the only plumbers on staff, and they hired me to do the bookkeeping and dispatching.  I work out of the house.  No new clothes had to be purchased, I work out of their house!
It really is beautiful here...we are surrounded by hills and mountains.  Over by my office, some of the mountains even have snow on them!  I've always loved mountains for some reason. 
Do I miss Indiana?  No.  Do I miss my peeps in Indiana?  So bad it hurts!

6 Years Later...

Six years ago I remember everything about that day.  Bruce had the day off work and was home with Shelby, and brought her to my office to see me.  She had a little bit of poop on her sock from when he had changed her diaper earlier that day.  I remember being kind of annoyed by that.  I made hamburgers for dinner with Grandma Brown's brand baked beans.  A friend Bruce hadn't seen in a while was supposed to come over to visit and he was pretty excited, bustling around cleaning the house and fidgeting at the computer while he surfed the net.  I remember weird details like the shirt he was wearing that night, the beer he had in his hand, and how unbelievably cold it was outside.  But I had never dreamed that it was going to be the last night I ever saw him alive.
It has gotten easier to deal with over the years but this year has been a little hard because there is so much different going on in my life right now...not really anything familiar and comforting like there was in Indiana, and most of all my mom isn't here.  We don't like, sit and re-live it, but she was there living through it with me, and quietly in the background taking care of the things I couldn't.  And the rest of my family, too, at a time when all I had the energy to do was cry and lash out at everything and everyone around me.
I have to work tomorrow, it's life as usual.  It still hurts though in a different way.  Like I told Wayne earlier...it's not so much the missing him as it is the unfairness and the memories of how I felt that day and the months afterwards.  I'm at peace with where he is, as Shelby's gaurdian angel, hangin' out with Jesus.  But I will never be able to erase the way I felt, the guilt I felt for not calling an ambulance sooner, for the constant nagging and griping I did the last two months he was alive about money and anything else I could think of to nag about.  I will never be able to erase the memories of the morning that he died, the hope I felt when I saw him that maybe he had just fainted, the terror when I realized it was more than that, and the absolute disbelief when a nurse confirmed what I already knew deep down.  I will never be able to understand why he has to miss out on this beautiful, mischevious, drama queen, comedienne of a little girl.
I don't have a grave to visit this year, so this is all I've got.  Once again, just as last year...Rest in Peace, Bruce.  We will never stop missing you.

Moving Updates

Moving  Updates:

·         The U-boxes were delivered Friday.  They are tiny.  I’m freaking out.

·         My neighbors love the U-boxes.  They stand gather around them and talk amongst each other.  One of them even took a brief tutorial with the lady that dropped them off, which was good because I had absolutely no idea how to open them when I got home.  Tonight one neighbor offered to help fill them up.  The other neighbor scooped my kid up into his arms and took her to his place so “Mommy can get some stuff done and you can keep my girls company”.  Another neighbor asked me to poke holes in the boxes so he can ride to Nevada with my stuff.  Again…they are tiny.  I’m freaking out.

·         My tires need balanced.  They are brand new.  I didn’t noticed that they weren’t balanced until I got on the highway two days after they were installed and my arms went numb.  I’m freaking out.

·         My oil needs changed.  I’m freaking out.

·         The cats have to have shots and get tranquilizers and I have to buy kitty carriers before we can get on the plane.  I’m leaving November 14^th.  I’m freaking out.

·         I have maxed out Wayne’s credit card.  And the cats need shots and the oil needs changed and I have to buy kitty carriers and the kitties need plane tickets and I have to come up with $400 for gas and I have no money.  I’m freaking out.

·         I’m flying to Nevada on a four hour flight by myself with a child and two cats who have to be removed from their kitty carriers and carried through security.  I think I’m going to barf.

·         Shelby’s toys are in boxes and her dog is at someone else’s house and her mommy has turned into a psycho and keeps shoving her off on other people. She’s freaking out.

·         I’m leaving in 8 days.  I’m freaking out.

When Life Attacks…

My house is trashed, there are boxes everywhere, and they are mostly empty because I am never home.  Every day is the same, pretty much.  I get up, take the dog out, feed him and the cats, take a shower, and fight with Shelby for the next half hour to get her out the door without a massive meltdown of some sort.  I get to work, then I leave work, and pick up Shelby with more fighting and arguing.  I try to pack, I try to clean, but the child requires constant attention and interaction.  Wayne feels terrible because he knows I am trying to do this all on my own and there’s nothing he can do to help me except pay for it all, which I am extremely grateful for.

I’ve been upset a lot, I’ve been complaining a lot, and I’ve been having a LOT of selfish thoughts.   I am so overwhelmed that I am exhausted and have a constant headache.  I’ve gotten nasty with customer service people on the phone, I’ve cussed out people on 37 that cut me off like it’s MY fault they didn’t get over into the right hand lane a mile ago, I’ve sat in my living room and bawled because no one is helping me.  I’ve gotten discouraged with my job and all of its drama, I’m upset with friends I never hear from anymore (gee I wonder why, I’m such a great person to be around) and all I want to do is sleep.   Shelby’s school is like a black hole in my checking account and I have a lease I can’t break.

My life is like constant noise.  Not nice noises, like a beach, or a train in the distance, or a waterfall, but more like some screeching noise with heavy metal music playing in the background and a touch of screaming child and yappy Chihuahua on the edges of it. 

Yesterday, it went completely silent.   I was sitting in my cubicle talking to my boss and my phone rang.  It was my sister calling me to tell me she has cancer.   The problems, the selfishness, the noise…everything went away.  God crept quietly back into the center of my life, just as he always does when things go wrong and I realize I am not the manager of the universe and I have absolutely no control over anything.  I want to yell and scream and cry but this isn’t about me.  This is about my sister and she doesn’t need to be the one trying to comfort everyone else.

I can’t describe the feeling I have right now.  All I can think about is my sister, and wonder why in the hell this is happening to her.  We know nothing about the cancer or how far it has spread yet but I know she is going to be okay.  There’s no way that she will let cancer win.

Please pray for her, her husband, and the granddaughter she is raising.  If you don’t believe in God, then do whatever it is you do when things go wrong in your life or in the life of someone you love.  And get rid of some of the noise in your life and take the time to realize that it could be worse, and it’s not always about you.

Moving

I said I wasn’t going to do it.  No way, no how would I ever be some woman that would uproot her kid and her life over some MAN.  I was a GOOD mom.  I would never deny my family and friends of my wonderful and uplifting presence.  I was SO better than that.

So my dad and stepmom are driving my Uhaul out there on November 13 and Shelby and I will probably fly out on the 14^th,  on a one way ticket.  We will be moving to sunny and hot Henderson, NV, just outside of Las Vegas.

Although I’ve gotten tons of support from my friends and family, I’ve gotten some flack from people that obviously don’t know me that well.  So of course that bothers me.  “WHY would you move there?”  “Do you really think this is a good idea?”  “Is he really worth all this?”  If you knew me well enough, you would know that this is a decision that I did NOT take lightly, this is not a whim, and I would not risk screwing up my kid’s life.  I’m very sure of Wayne’s character and type of man that he is.  If I did not trust him with my life, I would not be involved with him.  If I did not trust him with my life, I would not be getting rid of 75% of my crap, and moving out there with no job and hardly a dime in my pocket.  And if he didn’t trust me with his life, I don’t think he would be covering my Uhaul, plane tickets, travel expenses for my dad and stepmom, and paying to break my lease.  If he didn’t trust me with his life he wouldn’t invite me, with all my debt and no job into his life, and he wouldn’t tell me how proud it would make him to be Shelby’s dad.  So for those of you who are doubters, there are all the facts that were none of your business in the first place, and I feel better for venting.  Think what you want in your head, not everything has to come out of your mouth.  Of course the people that have said these things to me more than likely don’t even know me well enough to know I have a blog.  But like I said, I feel better.

For those of you who are happy for me, and who are supporting me, THANK YOU.

I hardly see anyone anymore, so hey, maybe now that I will be living so close to a tourist destination I will see more of my friends and family! 

Fun with the Iphone Camera-Another Picture Essay

Bad Hair Day

The Hitchiker



So uh, NOW do you understand why I'm moving?




Driving to work...this is what the fellow motorists see.



Shelby acting like she likes me...



Sigh



If you don't think this dog is cute, there is something very wrong with you.

My co-pilot.

Dolly needs bail money!

This actually truly scared the crap out of me when I turned around.

The Language of Shelby

Emerginee:  (ee-merge-in-e)

Me:  “Shelby, who is is this Derrick you keep talking about?”

Shelby:  “He’s my emerginee boyfriend.”

Me:  (Blank stare, crickets chirping)

Shelby (rolling eyes):  “YOU KNOW…the kind of friend that only I can see and no one else?”

Imaginary.

Toofus:  (two-fuss)

“I have two loose toofus, but mommy won’t pull them out.”

Teeth.

Benis:  (This is a delicate matter)

Shelby:  “Mommy!  Look at that big benis!!!  That is a HUGE benis!”

Me:  “WHAT did you just say?????   Ahem…and uh…where?”

Shelby:  (Points to bee hive) “Over there!  Wow, those bees made a giant benis!”

Me:  “That’s awesome!  Whoa!  But, you know what?  They aren’t really called bee nests, there are bee HIVES.  HIVES.  BEE HIVES.  And we stay away from bee hives!  Never touch one!  Well, and benis’s for that matter.”

Bee nest.

Innerpropiate:  (inner-pro-pee-ate)

Dog steals cheeseburger from the coffee table, where Shelby is enjoying a happymeal:

Shelby:  “YOU JACKASS!”

Me:  “SHELBY!!!!  That is a terrible word!  Where did you hear that?”

Shelby:  “The movie “Wiggly Blonde”  (Legally Blonde)  “I’m sorry, mommy!  I didn’t know it was innerpropiate!”

Inappropriate

Spigeeto:  (spig-eet-o)

“These spigeeto bites itch SO bad!”

Mosquito

Brewk:  (well…brewk)

“These are brand new crayons and I already brewk one!”

Broke

Las Biggas:  (Las Big-us)

“I want to move to Las Big-us.  Everyone can come visit us there, and we can come back here and visit, but I want to be wif Wayne.”

Las Vegas

Magzugzeen:  (mag-zug-zeen)

“Mommy, do we have any magzugzeens I can read while I sit on the potty?”

Magazine

Pool Etiquette for the Apartment Dweller:

1.        Please don’t stand behind your wife and ogle the sunbathers.

2.       We are glad that you are reliving your honeymoon that you had 30 years ago, but please keep in mind there are small children about and the 30 minutes that you and your husband have spent in a lip-lock, milling about in the pool whispering sweet nothings in eachother’s ears, complete with your legs wrapped around his waist, is a tad inappropriate.

3.       Teenagers:  We all know how much fun it is trying out new words, but the day my kid asks me to make her a mother****ing sandwich is the day I will hunt you down and duct tape your mouth shut, throw your cell phone into the pool and run over your Ipod with my Buick.

4.       Parents of small children:  We know you and your child are wonderful and special and way better than everyone else, but it is not necessary to carry on a loud running commentary on how wonderful they are for all of us to hear.  Yeah, I see you glancing around to see who is listening.  Don’t worry, none of us have a choice but to listen. 

5.        Men:  It’s not necessary to shake your head, creating an instant Justin Beiber look and to spit out a big stream of water after you jump in.  Maybe it works for the guys in the movies, but this is Lion’s Creek and all the single ladies are bitter and probably horribly annoyed because they just shouted “NO RUNNING” at their kid for the 480^th time.

6.       It’s okay to ignore my kid, really.  If you ignore her she goes away.  If you talk to her she will stalk you for the rest of your life.  Plus, if you ignore her it makes me feel less guilty that I am sitting in a lounge chair reading my book, secretly glad that she has found someone else to bug the crap out of.

7.       Your ringtone sucks, and obviously, whoever it is that is calling really wants to get ahold of you because that is the 8^th time in two minutes that they have called.  ANSWER IT.

8.       If you are going to hang out in the shallow end or the kiddie pool, don’t get all indignant and ticked off when a little kid jumps in and splashes you.  It is a pool.  That’s sort of why we are here.  Go ahead and give my kid a dirty look, I dare you.  I’ve been drinking green tea all day and forgot to take my Prozac this past week.

9.       For the love of God, don’t bring squirt guns, and if you do, don’t loan one to my kid.

10.   It’s okay to pick your wedgie as soon as you exit the pool.  We all understand, you do not have the monopoly on swimsuit wedgies.  You don’t have to walk all the way to your chair with the thong look, and stand behind it and be discreet about it. 

Blah

I’ve been sitting in my recliner sneering and pouting about my glamorous life.  Maybe by writing this all out, I can find the positive side.

So every summer, when I am out in the sun, the area above my top lip turns darker than the rest of my face  On top of it, due to budget constraints, I am doomed to a bad hair day every day for a while.  I’m trying to find creative things to do with my mop, but I just can’t drag myself up out of bed early enough each morning to deal with it.  On a positive note…the past few years my mustache has had sort of a “Hitler” look to it.  At least this year it has spread wider to cover the entire upper lip.

Next up, my child.  She is a sight to behold.  As we speak she is “reading” to herself on the couch in a bathing suit that she hopes to sleep in.  She is mouthy, sassy, stubborn, and awesome.  However, not everyone finds these traits quite so endearing.  She gets snapped at and shot down a lot, but luckily she bounces right back up.  There were hints from the daycare director tonight that if things aren’t better tomorrow I will be getting a “behavior report”.  Maybe this is why she wants to move to Nevada even more than she wants a pony or a guinea pig.  I told her she has no friends or family out there and she said that’s why there are airplanes and pictures, and that she will make lots of new friends.  She just wants to be with her Wayne “more den anyfing”.  She says I am happy with Wayne, and she wants us all to be together again and “life will be right out there”.  I’m not real sure if that’s a positive or a negative that she feels that way.  If she wants to come up with the money and pack up a truck and drive all of our crap down there and find me a job, I’m in.

As we speak, single dad neighbor is blowing up my phone with texts.  I have explained to him that although I love his kids, I am not looking for a boyfriend, and I am in love with someone else.  So as we sat at my table the other night when he showed up with a peace offering (a Bud Light), he said, “I buy you lots of jewelry.”  (Keep in mind he doesn’t speak English very well.)  I explained that I have jewelry.  He wanted to know if Wayne bought me jewelry and I said yes.  He asked why I don’t wear it and I told him that I broke it.  So he said, “I buy you a piñata, then.”   Sigh…I gotta admit, I always have kind of wanted a pinata.  But…not that much.

Last but not least, Wayne.  Pressure-free “You can move out here and I got us a really pretty spot to live and there’s lots of jobs, not that you would need one but I know you’d want your own money with what’s happened in your past and we will be happy and together forever and your friends and family can come here and you can go see them whenever and there’s lots of horse farms and Shelby can swim every day and it’s not humid and the sun shines all the time and there’s no snow and it would be such an honor to me to be Shelby’s daddy, and I will help you move here any way that I can” Wayne.  Wayne doesn’t understand that I have a boss and a mom who would fight for position in line to beat me senseless if I decided to move out there.

Sigh…thank God it’s bedtime and I don’t have to think anymore.

The Updates-Good, Bad and Ugly

The friend diagnosed with lung cancer:  The night before Wayne left, I got a call that Nadene was in a coma, had been taken to a hospice, and they didn't think she would make it through the next few days.  The next day, I believe, I got another call that she came out of her coma and they were moving her to a regular nursing home for rehab.  The move got delayed a day or two, and when they finally moved her I called her, expecting to talk to a very sick lady.  She answered the phone, sounded great, so we went to visit her.  She was up, moving around, and seemed to be feeling better than she had in the past year.  She decided not to go through with the chemo though, she knows she won't survive it.  Yesterday, only a week and a half later, my sister and I went to visit her.  She had been moved to a new room and I didn't think to ask why, but when we got there to see her I barely recognized her.  This strong lady that I have known since I was 8 years old, who has always taken care of everyone else, and was a rock was in a wheelchair, tethered to oxygen, shaking, and I never once saw her get up and walk.  We asked her if there is anything we can bring her to pass the time with.  She wants a stuffed animal to hold.  That was it.  No books, or lotions...just a stuffed animal to sleep with and cruise around in her wheelchair with.  I think I'm going to go out and by her a hundred of the damn things.
Wayne:  He left for Nevada on a Tuesday and made it out there on Saturday.  He had a job waiting for him when he got there, and he just moved into his new apartment that he selected with Shelby and I in mind, as part of his "You ARE moving out here if I have to drag you here by your hair" campaign.  His job is going well.  His dogs are driving him nuts.  He smashed up his truck at his new apartment on a concrete pole in the parking lot that was dark red and impossible to see at nighttime.  He calls me every morning on his way to work, and every night when he gets home.  Every conversation he asks me what he has to do to get me out there.  He bribes me with "You won't have to work." and things like that.  Then he texts me and tells me why he wants me out there.
It was supposed to fade, I wasn't supposed to miss him this much at this point and I still do, just as much as the day he left.
The Smash-O-Gram:  The results on the mammogram and ultrasound were all good, and they said they don't need to see me again until I am 40!!!!!  I did however, find out that there is absolutely no way to look or act cool while you are getting one of those things.  They made me wear this weird little shirt that no longer covered up the fact that the zipper on my pants was broken, making me look like an even bigger doofus.  I'm sure the technician wanted to tell me my fly was down, but she never did.  I should have explained that the zipper was broken and that's why I was wearing a shirt that covered it.  I bet she lays awake at night thinking about my zipper and what an idiot I am.  I'm pretty sure when she left me alone in the ultrasound room, it was to go tell everyone that my fly was down.
So those are the updates.  Hopefully I can find something funny to write about soon!

The things I learned this craptastic week:

·         Just when you think your five year old is evolving from “monster” to “human being” she throws a ten minute long temper tantrum because you refuse to buy her a guinea pig, and soaks 6 Kleenexes in the bathtub and sticks them to the ceiling.

·         I will never be able to listen to the song “Colder Weather” by Zac Brown ever again without going into a 3 day long depression.  In fact, my lip quivered just now when I typed this.

·         Some of life’s best conversations can be with someone who dialed a wrong number.

·         Shelby can actually make it one whole day without having an “Ouch Report” written up on her.

·         I wanna be a pilot.

·         Anyone who drives into the great unknown with a cat and two dogs, no job and no home, and settles for a roach infested $50 a week room next to a homeless shelter all for his son and gets absolutely no credit whatsoever, is a fantastic, devoted father.

·         Blessings can come in the form of 13 year old girls who gladly will watch your daughter so you can run to the grocery store in peace for a mere pack of Orange Sherbet gum and pizza for dinner as payment.

·         Grown men in business suits turn into befuddled little boys with goofball grins when they see a miniature horse at their office.

·         Just when you think things can’t get worse, they do.  And then, they get better.

·         Wayne’s not coming back.

·         Dogs will drag their butt on the carpet, no matter what the consequences are.

·         Sometimes a beer and a frozen pizza with your best friend is just what the doctor ordered.

The Insights of a 5-Year-Old

If you haven't heard this song (King of Anything by Sarah Barielles) and have a minute, listen to it before you read this entry and pay attention to it:  (and there is an ad before the song starts).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA

So, it's been a crappy week so far...highs, lows, all that crap.  Shelby is very perceptive...she gets things no matter how much I try to hide it from her, to the point that it is extremely frightening what she picks up on.  The following conversations are not word for word because my memory sucks, but they are in no way embellished:

Last night we were on our way to have dinner with my mom and Shelby asked why we couldn't move to "Las Beggis wif Wayne".  I explained to her that I have a job that I love here, and all of her grandmas and grandpas and her school is here, and reminded her she would be starting kindergarten in the fall.  She immediately burst into tears and yelled "But I don't want kindergarten shots, I want to move to Las Beggis!  So I explained to her that even if we move to Las Beggis, she would have to go to kindergarten and she would have to have kindergarten shots.  She pondered this for a while and said "Well how about this...I move to Las Beggis with Wayne and you stay here with the grandmas and grandpas so they don't get sad.  Yeah.  That will work.  Oh, but I'm going to need a ride, but you can drive me there with a trailer wif all my stuff in it, like Wayne and drive back home.  Do they have pet stores that sell guinea pigs there?"

So later, we got home and she was absolutely wild.  She wanted to listen to her favorite song and watch the video, (which is mentioned above).  She watched it about 10 times, and I am pretty sure my neighbors were incredibly thrilled.  At one point I was singing along and she came up to me with her finger to her lips and said "Only I sound like her.  You sound like Duffy."  When she was finally done, she took my hand and pulled me to my bedroom and said we needed to talk about "sum-fing important".  She kicked the dog out of the room and closed the door and sat down against the headboard and invited me to sit down.  I sat, and tried to stare solemnly at her and ignore the bright pink lipstick that she had applied mostly to one side of her upper lip causing her to look like a bee sting victim.  She took a deep breath, let it out, and said "You are not letting Wayne be the king of any-fing."  To which I replied, "Uh no, I am definately NOT letting Wayne be the king of anything because he isn't.  Why are you saying this?"  And she replied..........."I don't think it is fair because you let everyone and everything else be the king of every-fing in your life but not Wayne."  I sat and pondered this for a minute, slightly confused and said "Well, I kind of feel like we should be the king of our own selves and make our own choices and decide what is right."  And then, my dear, tiny, insightful, scary, eerily astute daughter said "But you don't make your own choices and you don't do whatever you want.  You do whatever everyone else wants you to do.  Well, 'cept Wayne and that's not fair because he is nice to you and thinks you are perfect.  Like that part of the song that says "I've tried to make everybody happy while I hurt."  And you hurt now, and now you hurt Wayne."

Shelby doesn't understand jobs and leases and independence and security and decisions that are made in favor of her stability.  Shelby does understand that it doesn't snow in Las Beggis and that they do have stores that sell Guinea Pigs in Las Beggis and in knowing that, she is sold.  But...as for the rest of what she said...just wow.

Tuesday's Almost Here

I wrote him a note telling him I wanted to beg him to stay, but not to worry, I wouldn’t do that because I know there is no point.  I’d never choose a life with anyone over a life with my kid and I would never ask that of someone else.

Dan and my stepmom Lori brought up a good point…here I feel sorry for myself but I made a choice, too.  I chose not to go with him.  If he chooses to stay, he misses out with his kid’s life, but if I went with him, I could take my kid with me.  But as Leslie pointed out…it’s a long walk of shame from Nevada to Indiana, especially with a kid in tow.

But why does this have to hurt so bad?  Why do I have to resent every second over the past few months and the next few days that doesn’t have him in it?  Why can’t I be that levelheaded person that I was a few months ago that just keeps pushing through it without batting an eye?  I guess it’s just been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone.

What scares me the most is my lack of focus on anything but this right now and the resulting guilt.  A month ago, the thought of my kid being gone overnight would have me in tears.  This weekend with Shelby being gone, I guess it was a relief to be able to just feel what I want and do what I want and act how I want.  There’s so many things going on in my life and in other people’s lives other than this, but this is all I can think about right now.  I keep telling myself once he is gone, once he is at his destination, wherever that may be it will get better and the hard part will be over.  Add on to that, I’m broke right now and when I am broke I can’t think rationally about anything.  Being the rock that Shelby needs and not showing any emotion (because she hates that) is going to be extremely hard this week, but it’s what I have to force myself to do.

He keeps saying this is not an ending, it’s a beginning.  He is fully, completely confident that he is going to go out there and get this great job (in the unemployment capital of America) and we are going to Skype and he’s going to fly us out every couple of months to visit (with my endless supply of days off that I can take from work and all) and eventually we will be out there with him.  He’s going to be a great daddy to Shelby, he says.  We will have this great house, and start flipping houses and buying property and I will get a job with horses, even if it only pays crap because I won’t need to work since he’s going to support us.  He’s happy because he has me, and there is no one else out there for him and he just knows it and it’s all going to be just fiiiine.

I guess all I can do is have the complete confidence that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.  This could bring clarity, it could get worse, God only knows.  I just have to trust that I can push all of the gray areas aside enough to listen to what God is telling me.

Layin' it all out...

When I was 17, I got a really cute neighbor from Denmark.  I mean, drop dead gorgeous.  We got to be friends, and I had the biggest crush on him ever.  I knew right from the beginning that he was only going to be here for a year, but I didn’t care.  He was here for now.  Maybe something would happen and he could stay.  I was in high school.  I was naïve. 

As time got closer for him to leave, it started to hurt.  I was quite the drama queen back then, too which didn’t help matters any.  I think I made him a mix tape.  But like I said, and in my defense…I was friggin’ 17 years old.  Come on, cut me some slack.

When he left I was heartbroken for a long time.  I never saw him again.  He came back to visit me months later and…………….I was away at band camp.  I talked to him a couple times on the phone.  What's funny though is now, 17 years later, he is a Facebook friend.

Years down the road, after a marriage, a divorce, an engagement, the purchase of a house, the birth of a kid, and the death of the fiancé/father of the kid I thought I’d seen it all.  I was wise.  I was bitter.  I was hardened.  Never again would my heart break, never again would I be so silly.  I was a grown up now.

Now I am 34 years old.  Along comes Wayne:  another cute neighbor, another doomed romance.  A couple weeks after we started seeing eachother I was gone.  I couldn't believe I'd found this man.   I still remember him telling me that he was going to be moving away, just weeks into this and I actually cried, which is a big no-no in my book.  You don’t cry over a man.  Especially one you’ve only known for a couple of weeks. 

I finally put it in a different compartment to enjoy what we had for now.  Maybe something would happen and he would stay.

Seems I’m still naïve.

He’s leaving Tuesday.  Grant it, it’s not Denmark, it’s Nevada.  But I’m also 34, not 17.  I have this fantastic job.  I have this little girl that needs stability.  And this time I have a choice…do I give up the job?  Leave my friends and family?  Take my little girl’s world apart?

It’s been a rotten few days.  I thought I had about a month left with Wayne and he told me Sunday, in the feed room at the stable, (this I will never forget) that he is leaving Tuesday.  Today I called a very dear friend that I call a few times a week and haven’t been able to reach.  I got ahold of her tonight and the second she answered I asked how she was and she told me she has lung cancer.  And Friday I have to get a lump in my breast checked out. 

I’m running on empty here. 

So I’m putting all of this in it’s respective compartments.  As one of my favorite people told me, I’m putting it all on God’s big old front porch and letting him sort it out. This blog was supposed to be funny, and I hope I can get my funny back soon.  I’m pretty sure I will, I need something to get me through this that isn’t a prescription or that doesn’t come in the form of a 6 pack.  Right now I am just reassuring myself that the boob will be fine, Wayne won’t be able to live without me and he will come back, and my friend will go to her oncologist tomorrow to find out they were wrong. 

Wish me luck.

Vegas-the non-picture essay:

I didn’t want to go.  I couldn’t imagine leaving my kid and being that far away for that many days.  I resented the word “Vegas” because it meant abandoning my kid.

Holy crap, I had a blast.  I want to go back right now.  Shelby wouldn’t miss me, right?

I was really nervous about the flight, and unfortunately, we got to the airport 3 hours early so I had to dwell on it.  I hate the takeoff.  It scares me to death.   Luckily, there was a “Champs” bar conveniently located next to our gate, which meant I had no problems with the takeoff, but I had a massive headache when we arrived in Vegas.  We got to the hotel and hiked for four miles aimlessly while we looked for our room.  Everyone we tried to ask for directions was either from someplace Asian, or didn’t have their hearing aids turned up, and just nodded and smiled when we asked them where room 1848 was.  After we finally found it we found a gift shop that sold Advil, and had prime rib for dinner and crashed extremely hard for about 10 hours.

The rest of it was a blur.  We didn’t gamble much, maybe spent about $20 between the two of us.  We walked the strip a few times during the day and at night, and went to Fremont street, which was extremely cool and weird.  We visited Hoover Dam one day, and the next we took a road trip to Mesquite to meet the ex’s boyfriend.

The odd part was…I was hoping this trip would bring out some stuff we didn’t like about eachother and it didn’t happen (well for me anyway.  Of course it couldn’t have been HIM that woke up in the middle of the night in a tiny hotel room with explosive…well, never mind.)  But anyway, there were no arguments, no tense moments, no disagreements…just peace.  I spouted off my opinion a couple of times about the upcoming move, but Wayne just quietly moved on to the next topic in his…quiet, non-confrontational Wayne way.  There was NO drama.  AT ALL.  I didn’t even cry or nothing (well, until the plane ride home when he fell asleep with his head on mine, but I swear it’s because he drooled, not because I was a totally emotional mess that I am losing this guy in 3 weeks or anything.)

What sucks though, is I am in denial.  I don’t want to reminisce over this trip.  I don’t want to see pictures of anything except the ones I took or hear about anything Vegas.  I’ve put blinders on so I can’t see what is behind me or next to me but I have my eyes shut so I can’t see what’s in front of me, either.  Thank God I’m busy this week.  I guess I don’t want anything to ruin what little time we have left.  He texted me yesterday that he has a job interview in 3 weeks and I had to force myself to text back a “congrats” instead of throwing my phone across the room.  He wanted me to help him find a camper shell for his truck for his move and I wanted to tell him to shove his truck up…well, never mind that.  Like I told a friend, I keep praying that God will give us more time so I can learn to not like him since that seems to be what happens in all my other relationships!  I guess that’s just not the plan, though.  The more time we spend together, the worse it gets and the angrier I get.

I’ve been through worse.  I keep telling myself that.  I can get through this.  It just sucks when you know that it IS something that can be changed, but no one wants to change it.

Vegas

I have the first few moments to myself I have had in a while...Shelby is at a friend's house and Wayne and Ryan are off watching a guy movie, so I thought I would share some Vegas moments below:



This is what got me on the plane.



Alright fine.  THIS is what really got me on the plane. 

I was wondering why I couldn't feel my lips when that picture was taken, but apparently it's because I don't have any.





I asked him to flex and he went the extra mile.

God Bless the zoom lens.

Oh no we di'nt.



This is how I looked after the second day.



Wayne has a superhuman ability to tell the moment just before the camera snaps...and there you go.  At least I didn't post the picture of the place he gave me to park my bike.









Notice the annoyed sales lady in the background.  Or...is that a look of intrest?



No comment.

Leaving

I was going to spend the week writing about my pets in hopes to make me start to feel some warmth towards them again.  Bah-forget it.

I found this comment in the “Comment” section of Indychannel today.  Normally there isn’t a whole lot of intelligence or insight to be found on the comment section of Indychannel, but this one struck a chord with me.  People were whining and complaining about what a horrible state Indiana is, and having dated one and currently dating another man that hates this state, it struck a nerve.  Then I read this comment, posted by someone called “Carpe Diem”:

“I always laugh when I see people complain. I used to feel the same way. I always thought that every place was so much better than right here, and I would never come back to this "awful state". I traveled and lived in different cities around the U.S.  
 
You know what I learned? It makes absolutely NO difference where you live. Each of the "Meccas" have their own negatives. I decided the perfect place to live is where the people I love the most are. I created my "Mecca" in my home and backyard. I can go to museums, cook, read, travel, and surround myself with family and friends .  
 
I have also found that people who are miserable and complaining will be miserable and complaining no matter where they live. Good luck with that. You might try Prozac instead of a moving van. A little Prozac also might make you more tolerable to family and you will have more friends. You may even decide to stick around.”

Amen.

My brother told me once that I take things too personally.  Yeah, being the youngest, I probably do.  As I mentioned above though, hearing someone constantly tear apart the state where I live and the people that live in it, where my home and my family and my friends are, does hurt me because in a way they are ripping on me and what I am about, where I grew up, and where I simply “am”.

I’m not saying there are other places I would love to go.  I love Colorado.  When I visited there I felt a peace I’d never felt before.  I love Buffalo, I feel a comfort there knowing that is where both of my parents grew up and seeing the places where they may have hung out, and went to school.

My jobs are here.  One of which can be pretty draining, but it has seen me through 11 years-a divorce, the birth of a kid, and the death of a boyfriend.  The other one is a dream I have always had since the first time I ever got on a horse.  I’ve always wanted to work in the horse world, and now I am.  It also came with something I didn’t know I had, a huge adoration for kids with special needs and a huge desire to work with them.  My family is here, my friends are here, and every home I have ever had is within a 20 mile radius.  You can’t take that stuff away from me.

I’m losing my boyfriend to another state.  He doesn’t have any ties here and his son is moving away so I can definitely understand and respect that.  He hates it here, he hates the weather, and he’s not so keen on the people, either, being from L.A..  The thought of losing him absolutely sucks and it hurts.  Of course the question of whether or not I would move for him has come up, and that’s where all this is coming from.  I feel like there should be some question or indecision but there isn’t.  I kept thinking, if it is in God’s plan for us to be together, something will change and he will stay here, that his son won’t end up moving.  None of this happened, and a month from this moment right now he’s going to be gone.  No more purple truck across the street, just an empty apartment I have to see every time I leave for work and a heartbroken kid.

I need some prayers and I'm gonna need my peeps over the next couple of months, but like that guy said, my "Mecca" is here.

Kitties

In my quest to reconnect with my pets this week instead of resent, I’m going to take the next few blogs as opportunities to find the good, funny things about my pets.

As I stated on Facebook earlier, I’ve had cats my whole life, many different cats.  Tonight, as I gathered a cat up in each arm to carry them away from the mouse cage, I realized one thing:  Every single time I have ever picked up two cats at the same time, one of them finds it to be a prime opportunity to beat the holy living crap out of the other one.  “Haha, you’re trapped, just like me, and you’re MINE now, sucka.  Make sure you dig your claws into mom’s back fat while I slap your face mercilessly so she can drop you on your head again.”

I’ve slammed doors on heads, hips, tails, and they still run like there is a fire to get out the front door before it shuts.  I mean, I feel their pain, I can totally relate sometimes but what is so enticing about racing out the front door and down the stairs, just to get the heebie jeebies and race back up the stairs and back into the house again?  Nemo however has gotten over being scared.  He sits down there and waits for one of us to pick him up so he can turn into a noodle and shift all 15 of his gelatinous pounds to his head, causing us to drop him on his face.  Emma, who has lived here for 4 years, races back to the top of the stairs and then moseys over to the wrong door every time.

They say cats are born knowing what the sound of an electric can opener means.  What is weirder is my cats eat only dry food and I have a manual crank can opener.  I’ve tried the electric ones but have pretty much destroyed them going all ballistic because I don’t have the patience for the moon and stars to correctly align so it will open my can.  However, my non electric can opener is relatively silent and they can still hear me crank open a can of peas from the other side of the apartment.

I am very strict about the cleanliness of the litterbox, and so is Nemo because if I don’t shovel it out at least twice a day he starts his own personal turd collection behind the TV.  He’s found that they are safer behind the TV because if he puts them somewhere else, like say, in front of the TV the dog steals them.  ‘Nuff said.  Anyhow, the box is located next to the water heater, which Emma tries to use to bury her waste when she is done.  Yes, I’m talking about the water heater.  8 lb cat vs. gazillion pound water heater.  After years of this not working, she still spends five minutes digging at the side of the water heater before she is satisfied enough to walk away from it.

Nemo is completely unaware of the danger of small children.  You see pictures of little girls stuffing 20 pound cats into doll dresses, and the cat has this look of complete resignation and general ticked offed-ness on its face.  Not Nemo.  Nemo’s expression never changes.  No matter what torture Shelby is putting him through, he always looks like he just spotted a rainbow, or a plate of cupcakes.  The only other expression he sports occasionally is of complete exhaustion after spending the evening being mauled and humped by the dog.

These are the things that have kept those cats safe in my home for all these years.