Sunday, July 17, 2011

Pool Etiquette for the Apartment Dweller:


1.        Please don’t stand behind your wife and ogle the sunbathers.
2.       We are glad that you are reliving your honeymoon that you had 30 years ago, but please keep in mind there are small children about and the 30 minutes that you and your husband have spent in a lip-lock, milling about in the pool whispering sweet nothings in eachother’s ears, complete with your legs wrapped around his waist, is a tad inappropriate.
3.       Teenagers:  We all know how much fun it is trying out new words, but the day my kid asks me to make her a mother****ing sandwich is the day I will hunt you down and duct tape your mouth shut, throw your cell phone into the pool and run over your Ipod with my Buick.
4.       Parents of small children:  We know you and your child are wonderful and special and way better than everyone else, but it is not necessary to carry on a loud running commentary on how wonderful they are for all of us to hear.  Yeah, I see you glancing around to see who is listening.  Don’t worry, none of us have a choice but to listen. 
5.        Men:  It’s not necessary to shake your head, creating an instant Justin Beiber look and to spit out a big stream of water after you jump in.  Maybe it works for the guys in the movies, but this is Lion’s Creek and all the single ladies are bitter and probably horribly annoyed because they just shouted “NO RUNNING” at their kid for the 480th time.
6.       It’s okay to ignore my kid, really.  If you ignore her she goes away.  If you talk to her she will stalk you for the rest of your life.  Plus, if you ignore her it makes me feel less guilty that I am sitting in a lounge chair reading my book, secretly glad that she has found someone else to bug the crap out of.
7.       Your ringtone sucks, and obviously, whoever it is that is calling really wants to get ahold of you because that is the 8th time in two minutes that they have called.  ANSWER IT.
8.       If you are going to hang out in the shallow end or the kiddie pool, don’t get all indignant and ticked off when a little kid jumps in and splashes you.  It is a pool.  That’s sort of why we are here.  Go ahead and give my kid a dirty look, I dare you.  I’ve been drinking green tea all day and forgot to take my Prozac this past week.
9.       For the love of God, don’t bring squirt guns, and if you do, don’t loan one to my kid.
10.   It’s okay to pick your wedgie as soon as you exit the pool.  We all understand, you do not have the monopoly on swimsuit wedgies.  You don’t have to walk all the way to your chair with the thong look, and stand behind it and be discreet about it. 

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