My house is trashed, there are boxes everywhere, and they are mostly empty because I am never home. Every day is the same, pretty much. I get up, take the dog out, feed him and the cats, take a shower, and fight with Shelby for the next half hour to get her out the door without a massive meltdown of some sort. I get to work, then I leave work, and pick up Shelby with more fighting and arguing. I try to pack, I try to clean, but the child requires constant attention and interaction. Wayne feels terrible because he knows I am trying to do this all on my own and there’s nothing he can do to help me except pay for it all, which I am extremely grateful for.
I’ve been upset a lot, I’ve been complaining a lot, and I’ve been having a LOT of selfish thoughts. I am so overwhelmed that I am exhausted and have a constant headache. I’ve gotten nasty with customer service people on the phone, I’ve cussed out people on 37 that cut me off like it’s MY fault they didn’t get over into the right hand lane a mile ago, I’ve sat in my living room and bawled because no one is helping me. I’ve gotten discouraged with my job and all of its drama, I’m upset with friends I never hear from anymore (gee I wonder why, I’m such a great person to be around) and all I want to do is sleep. Shelby’s school is like a black hole in my checking account and I have a lease I can’t break.
My life is like constant noise. Not nice noises, like a beach, or a train in the distance, or a waterfall, but more like some screeching noise with heavy metal music playing in the background and a touch of screaming child and yappy Chihuahua on the edges of it.
Yesterday, it went completely silent. I was sitting in my cubicle talking to my boss and my phone rang. It was my sister calling me to tell me she has cancer. The problems, the selfishness, the noise…everything went away. God crept quietly back into the center of my life, just as he always does when things go wrong and I realize I am not the manager of the universe and I have absolutely no control over anything. I want to yell and scream and cry but this isn’t about me. This is about my sister and she doesn’t need to be the one trying to comfort everyone else.
I can’t describe the feeling I have right now. All I can think about is my sister, and wonder why in the hell this is happening to her. We know nothing about the cancer or how far it has spread yet but I know she is going to be okay. There’s no way that she will let cancer win.
Please pray for her, her husband, and the granddaughter she is raising. If you don’t believe in God, then do whatever it is you do when things go wrong in your life or in the life of someone you love. And get rid of some of the noise in your life and take the time to realize that it could be worse, and it’s not always about you.
