Signs That I Should Have Stayed in Bed

This all happened today:

You wake up to the sound of the most disgusting gastrointestinal sloshing/puke noises a dog can possibly make, followed by the sound of him cleaning up after himself.

You are doing your morning routine of sitting around in a holey Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt and flannel pants, hair everywhere, staring at your computer and your boyfriend and his kid decide to stop by.  The kid stares at you in horror, then informs you your house is a nasty mess.

You bend over to pick a Qtip off the bathroom floor as the cat launches herself onto the vanity and your heads collide.

You are sitting next to another mom and dance class, whose daughter is also there for the first time, giggling uncontrollably with her as your daughters stumble around and crash into eachother.  You lean over and say “Maybe we should just find them a nice Tae Kwon Do class.” And she stops smiling and doesn’t talk to you the rest of the hour.

You are doing the self-checkout at Meijer and a bottle of cleaner you are purchasing leaks all over the conveyer belt and bagging area.  The annoyed attendant pulls out a bottle of the exact same cleaner and proceeds to spray every inch of the checkout area and hold everyone else up while “I clean up that woman’s spill.” (um, with the exact same cleaner.  Like you could have just grabbed a paper towel and sopped it up.  It’s not like it was liquid herpes or something).

Your daughter learns a song that says “What do you get when you pick a scab, pick a scab, pick a scab, what do you get when you pick a scaaaaaaab?  A scar that lasts forever.”  And she belts it out at the top of her lungs in Pizza King.

Colder Weather (Official Music Video) - Zac Brown Band

Signs that you might just need a beach vacation

You finally quit making excuses for showing up late to work.  You even make eye contact with your boss and give a hearty “Good mornin’!” as you walk past his office.

You get to work and realize you remember absolutely nothing about the drive there.

You get halfway through your morning shower and can’t remember if you’ve washed your hair yet or not.

The weather man predicts 9 inches of snow and you no longer take mental inventory of your food supply, or even blink for that matter.

The only reason you shave your legs is because the hair is starting to get caught on the seams of your jeans.

It’s date night with your boyfriend, who has an awesome personality AND is built like an underwear model and kinda just wanna stay home and watch “Ramona and Beezus” with your kid.

You angle your desk lamp so it is shining in your face and squint and pretend it’s the sun.

You walk outside with your kid in the morning and it’s 26 degrees and she says “Whoa, it’s nice out!”

I'm on a Boat!

So the other day, my sister sent me a picture of a beautiful, big giant boat.  She and my brother-in-law are the proud new parents of this fabulous craft. My boss and I huddled over my phone and zoomed in on different parts of the boat and discussed it at great length with excitement and speculation on the make, size, model, etc.

Then it happened.  I was showing off the new member of my family (the boat) to a co-worker, and he said “Doesn’t it upset you that your brother and sister can flaunt nice things like that and you’re driving around in a car with duct tape on it and living in a tiny apartment?”  I thought he was joking, but he was dead serious.  I started thinking to myself that it was a real slam on me and my car and my home.  I realized later he didn’t mean it that way, but that is truly how some people feel.  They feel real bitterness towards others who have worked their butts off and managed their money.  I once had a friend who was one of those people.  I remember how excited I was that I was finally getting a new bed.  I was telling her about it and she was told me she was so happy that I was able to buy something so nice, and proceeded to tearfully tell me how her cable was turned off, she had no gas in her car, and detailed how unfair her life was.  I felt an inch tall.  I felt like the biggest, most ungrateful idiot for buying a new bed even though I could hardly move in the morning because my mattress was so old.

The thought to be angry or jealous of my sister and brother-in-law never occurred to me until the coworker said that, and I have to admit, for a nanosecond I almost fell for it.  I’ve fallen on hard times, and I’ve been stuck in those hard times for a while now.  Yeah, I envy those who have nicer stuff, more money, etc. but I also admire them.  No one owes me a THING.  I wouldn’t trade any of my learning experiences or my life for nicer stuff.  I am solely responsible for my “financial destiny”.  I’m still making barely enough to support myself even with the new job, but there’s things I could cut back on and haven’t.  There’s things we could do with out but don’t. And things happen beyond your control, things have happened to me that were beyond my control…but if you don’t pick yourself up and dust yourself off and waste all your time being bitter at those who can have bigger and better, you are in for one heck of a miserable life.

I got a higher paying job…just in time to find out a surgery I had wasn’t covered by insurance and I had to pay for it.  I’m getting a big tax refund.  It should be here any day…and my car window broke and the mechanic found a problem with my axle.  I also got a free month of rent this month for renewing my lease for another year.  The tax laws changed, I can’t take the advanced earned income credit on my paycheck anymore, cutting my take home pay by $140 a month.  But, I got a raise at the stable.

Those are just a few examples.  God works in mysterious ways and makes sure have what I need.  My mom helps me immensely.  As for my sister and brother-in-law and their new boat…I’m happy for them and happy for the excitement they are feeling and I truly hope no one tries to crap on their parade.  And in looking at the pictures, I’ve already picked out the seat for me and my frosty beverage.

Today's Vents

To the Dog:  You started out the morning by eating the legs off of one of Shelby’s favorite toys.  Then, when she came into the bathroom while I was showering to tell me you crapped all over the bedroom floor, it probably wasn’t a good time to steal her Pop-Tart.  There’s about 20 nice older women at the stable that want you.  Go ahead and start picking one out.

To Emma the Cat:  It happens every Saturday morning, at least two or three times and I am over it.  Do NOT jump on my lap while I am taking a drink of my coffee, bonking my elbow in the process causing me to knock my teeth out with my coffee cup.  Furthermore, you do NOT have to dig your claws into my thigh to gain purchase while I am suffering from the shock of getting my teeth knocked out and spilling my coffee down the front of my shirt.  You are going to be the consolation prize for one of the older women that Rosco doesn’t choose.

To Nemo the Cat:  I don’t know if you have noticed that I don’t have time to hunker down next to the litterbox closet with a poop scoop in my hand waiting for Emma to create something I can clean up for you.  Get over your inability to poop in a litterbox that already has stuff in it.  I scoop it twice a day, that’s sufficient.  I’m trading you in on a pet rat.  Rats live in cages.

To The Car:  I don’t care about your traction control system, your ABS, or your stupid broken window.  I get your oil changed.  I’m gentle with your brakes, according to your doctor.  Go ahead and activate the ABS all you want for absolutely no reason.  The lights on your dashboard?  Light ‘em up, I don’t care!  Broken window?  Who needs drive thrus, right?  BITE ME.

And last but not least, Shelby:  The reason you can’t have a new bike, pillow pet, Barbie, or even a Skittle is because I have to get a loan to feed you.  If I ate even HALF as much as you do, I would weigh 400 pounds.  And I would like to congratulate you on the impossible today…Wayne actually yelled.  Grant it, it was in terror and fear for your life, but it was something I never thought I would see.  I didn’t even think Wayne even gets slightly alarmed about anything, much less yell.  Sometimes you have to remind him to blink or breathe, I think.  And you gave him a chance to see his normally quiet, level-headed girlfriend go completely ballistic, complete with screaming and a swat on your butt, along with the rest of the people at Cool Creek park that thought they were there for a relaxing good time.

Sigh.  Much better.

SERIOUSLY??????

I knew it was going to be an interesting night when I got to the daycare and Shelby was wearing pants that didn’t belong to her.  I looked at the teacher, who informed me that she peed her pants, it got on her pants and on the floor but somehow missed her underwear.  Really?  I looked at the daycare director, who looked at me accusingly, since this was certainly all my fault.  The daycare director then told me that she caught Shelby whispering in another child’s ear.  GASP!

Then…she told me that apparently the conversation was about mommy and mommy’s boyfriend kissing.  She followed it by a look that said “So take your skanky self with your fake leather high heel boots and your out of control child out to your duct taped car and try to get a sitter the next time you decide to have an orgy in your home.”

So it gets better.  I got in the car, and told Shelby “You know, I guess you saw me and Wayne kissing but we don’t need to tell people stuff like that because it is private.”  To which Shelby replied, “Whatever, mommy.  We don’t look at other people’s privates and you know that.” 

We got home, and in the time it took me to pee and wash my hands she downed three oreos and started on a pop tart.  I ordered a pizza, which she ate a little of, and then she got the eggs out and informed Wayne and I that she was going to scramble some eggs.   (Yes, I let Wayne come over but told him to keep his clothes on until we can get a sitter.)  I told her she was absolutely not going to scramble some eggs and she slammed them on the counter and turned to argue with me, and Wayne quietly said, “No eggs, Shelby.”  And the weirdest thing happened…she shut up.  She pouted, but she shut up.

I’m walking a tightrope with this kid.  Every single conversation is a battle.  Everything that happens at daycare is a direct reflection on me and my skanktastic lifestyle. 

I’m off to have a cocktail of Premsyn and Prozac.  Goodnight, y’all.

Renewal?

Well, I completely cleaned my kitchen and dining room.  My stovetop is sparkling, the kitchen floor has been scrubbed by hand, all of the cabinet doors are wiped down, and the kitchen table has been thoroughly Endusted.  Rock on.  I also vaccuumed the living room.  Party. 
I haven't seen Wayne since Friday.  Well, I saw him Sunday but he sort of wants me to forget that I saw him stumble around in sweats that he'd been wearing for two days with no shower or shaving during either those days.  He pretended to be so horrified, but he still looked totally hot.  Now THAT is a good dad, to be that sick and drag himself out of his apartment to take his kid to a park and call me and offer to pick mine up, too.  He thinks he is starting to get better, he told me that when he called me at 6:30 to tell me he was going to bed.
I'm finally getting better.  Sarah brought me a Zpack last night and I took the first two doses last night and the third today.  Already, the throbbing in my cheeks is gone and my snot is clear and doesn't have blood in it anymore.  I may win that Miss America pageant after all.  Except for the giant recurring monthly zit I get each month on the side of my chin, it may ruin my chances.  But I'm sure my talents will win the hearts of the judges:  I can play the xylophone, snare drum, and wiggle my ears.  I have a great Katie Perry imitation, too since the Firework song came out.  It scares the living bejeezus out of Shelby, it's awesome.
I feel alot better now that I am getting a handle on this house, my mood is starting to pick back up again.  It's the little things.
Valentine's day turned out to be pretty good.  We had a pitch in at work and I ate until I burst.  One of my coworkers gave us all little valentines and Fun Dip candy.  Then I got to my mom's and she had bought me a bunch of new clothes and cooked me steak and we had cake with hearts on it!
The woman coming in for the Valentine's day ride couldn't make it, she has pneumonia.  Our director called and offered to bring one of the miniature horses over to her house but she wants to reschedule her ride, and swears she is going to get to do it.  The program coordinator pretty much told her to call anytime, we would make it happen no matter what.  I am so glad she wants to reschedule, that she still wants to make this happen and hasn't given up.
Hopefully I'll get my funny back.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to a woman who isn't giving up on her ride and a little spring cleaning.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!  For some reason, Valentines day has always brought me crap, up until I met Bruce, the hopeless romantic.  We did manage to have our first fight on our first Valentine's Day but I probably earned it because I said his dad was a turd.  He always made such a big deal out of Valentine's day, though.  Our last Valentine's day together I had just found out I was pregnant and he bought me a blanket and a card from the baby.  And the card told me how the blanket was to keep me and the baby warm.  I still have that blanket, it's one of those fleecy numbers with a big gawdy horse head on it with lots of orange and red and yellow and brown.  It's the most beautiful blanket ever.  Shelby barfed on it once.  Usually when that happens...straight to the dumpster.  But I washed it a couple dozen times and I still have it.
Tomorrow at the stable a young lady with cancer who only has weeks to live is coming to fulfill one of her last wishes...to go horseback riding with her husband.  It will be their last Valentine's day together.  I can't even begin to imagine. 
Lately I've been sort of reflective, life isn't going the way I think it should and I've been kind of down.  I haven't been the best mom.  I've finally met this great guy and he's going away in a few months.  I could do the selfish thing and pack up and go with him but I would never do that to my daughter or my family.  My family needs Shelby and she needs them and to take her from everything she loves and everything that is familiar is something I could never do for any man.  But the thought of losing him jerks me out of a dead sleep or a happy moment and slaps me in the face.
I have to keep reminding myself of this song by Gary Allan, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" but at some point in the song he says "But it's a beautiful ride" because it is so true. It was popular in the summer of 2006 after Bruce died, I remember vividly because I was driving to Buffalo with my mom and Shelby for the first time since Bruce died.  He loved going to Buffalo and it was the first time going without him since I had met him.  Of course when you are driving that long of a distance, jumping from radio station to radio station, you hear alot of the same stuff over and over and I kept hearing that song.  I finally lost it when we got to the town my aunt and uncle live in and it came on again and I remember telling my mom how excited Bruce would have been to show Shelby off to my family and he never got that chance.  It was so unfair.  I never grieved for Shelby's loss of her dad as much as I did for Bruce's loss of Shelby.  He loved her so so much and I couldn't believe he was going to miss out on her life.  That's all I could think about the day he died, was how much he was going to miss out on.  I know he's watching over her, I know he sees everything she does, but I wish I could see his face and hear him brag about her.
This is the song:  The video sucks, but just listen to the song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDNMtn0t2A
So that's where I am at.  I won't be spending Valentine's day with the new hottie in my life, since I gave him my plague from hell, but that's okay.  He's sitting at home, running a fever, drifting in and out of sleep but when he is awake he is calling me to check on me and see if I need anything, bless his heart.
Tomorrow will be a rough day at the stable.  But I hope that woman and her husband have a beautiful ride.

All in a Day

·         Took Shelby out for brunch.

·         Got the oil changed, tires balanced, and an estimate for a tune up which will be just shy of $900 and a new axle for $200.

·         Drove over a set of railroad tracks and my window fell down into the door.

·         Was so distracted by the window I almost ran out of gas.

·         Plucked the window out of the door and moved it back into place while the car sucked down $3.17 a gallon gas.

·         Got to work totally prepared to spend hours repairing a printer.  It took 30 seconds.

·         Developed a massive nosebleed.

·         Woke up Nick, and dragged him into the barn through the slush and taught Shelby how to brush him and clean his feet.

·         Nose stopped bleeding but lost 80% of my hearing.

·         Bribed Nick to pay attention to Shelby by giving him a peppermint.  He gave me a big horsey “I love you” on my forhead.

·         Lymph nodes so swollen by this time I can barely move my neck.

·         Bribed Shelby to leave the stable with the promise of a Ramona Quimby haircut.

·         Forgot about the broken window and rolled it down in the Mc Donald’s drive-thru.

·         Hung out in the Auto Zone parking lot and fished my window back out of the door.

·         Dropped Shelby off at church.

·         Stalked my mom and found her at Marsh and grocery shopped with her.  Spent $80 bucks on nothing.

·         Called sickly Wayne to check on him and see if he needed anything but he didn’t answer.  He called me while I was leaving a message on his voicemail to make sure I was okay and see if I needed anything.

·         Stopped and got some Chinese takeout.  It was supposed to be beef, it tasted like beef, but it looked like chicken.  Ate it anyway.

·         Put the $80 worth of nothing away and cleaned the kitchen.

·         Stopped at CVS to buy Shelby a valentine and $4000 roll of duct tape and fish my window back out of the door.

·         Stopped at church to pick Shelby up and rigged up a duct tape repair to keep my window from falling down again.

·         Brought Shelby home, and watched her eat about two yogurts, a granola bar, and a bowl of cheese crackers.

·         Got desperate enough to make the lymph node pain go away to take a Vicodin.

·         Neck feels better but my hands itch and I can hear the people downstairs breathing.

Winter Blues

Once again, I haven’t been able to think of anything to say lately.  I think it’s the winter blues coupled with the fact that I can’t get rid of this stupid cold.  I overslept every day this week, I’ve fallen asleep at my desk almost every day, and look forward to going to bed like one might look forward to going on vacation or cashing a lottery check.

My house is downright scary.  It’s a wasteland of dirty clothes, doll house accessories, little pieces of paper thanks to Shelby’s obsession with scissors, and bits of stuffing from dog toys.  My bathroom only stays clean until the next time Shelby brushes her teeth and turns into a fire hose of foam and spit.

I can’t wait for spring, though I hate to wish my life away like that.  Unfortunately this year, the promise of warmer weather brings the promise of my boyfriend moving over 1000 miles away…good times.  I have to constantly remind myself that God has a plan, and whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

Today, after I go to the bank and get the oil changed and go to work, I think I will clean my house…like, REALLY clean it.  My entertainment coordinator is really sick so he doesn’t have his son today, although I may join him if he gets enough energy to go to the laundry mat.  That is, if he survives his self medication regimen of leftover antibiotics and aspirin.  We made a deal, of neither of us are better by tomorrow, we are going to have a date at the Minute Clinic.  Maybe they will give us a two-fer.

So in short, that is life.  Hopefully something funny will come up to write about in the coming hours!

My Vast Football Knowledge

I love the Denver Broncos because I adore the state of Colorado and I love horses, and they are from Colorado and have a pretty horse head on their helmet.  Or they used to.  Do they still?

I love the Buffalo Bills because that is where my whole family is from, and Buffalo makes me think of Lunetta’s, which has the world’s best sub sandwiches.

I love the Dallas Cowboys because Bruce loved the Dallas Cowboys.  The first thing he bought Shelby was a Cowboys onesie thing with matching booties and a bib.  Not the pink one, either.  True Dallas colors.

I can’t stand the Steelers because my ex boyfriend had a love for the Steelers that was frightening.  I do think their uniforms are cool, though.

I love Carraba's because I went to some women's football 101 thing and they catered it.  Oh, and Mike Vanderjagt (sp?) taught me how to kick a field goal.  I fell on my butt.

And that sums up my knowledge of football.

Longest Day EVER

I had to go to work today, it was either that or get fired, I'm sure.  You know, with all that sick time I take off.  (Sarcasm.)  I'm guessing since I had to wake up and change my shirt 3 times during the night my fever broke, so when I hopped in the car to go to work I was feeling like a brand new woman.  I got about 10 minutes away from the office though and broke out into a sweat and started to feel faint.  There was a fire station right there and I thought about pulling in to ask for help but then I thought about all the hot firemen in there that I was about to make an idiot out of myself in front of.  So instead I turned the heat over to "cold" and blasted myself with cold air the rest of the way to the office.  It would be less embarassing to pass out behind the wheel instead of in front of a bunch of firemen.  I should know.  When I was doing my clinicals in the emergency room  years ago, apparently I saw something gross, because the next thing I knew I was waking up on a couch in a break room with 4 firemen standing over me grinning.  I thought I was in heaven for a minute.  I still to this day hope I didn't pass gas while I was out or anything (because I'm sure years later, each of those firemen think of me on a daily basis.)
So today I spent a total of an hour reviewing a couple of trial balances, updating a subcontractor's information, annnnnd that's it.  It was SO important that I be here today, too.  So I have read all the stories on Indychannel three times, checked the comment section under the stories for funny stuff, practiced sleeping with my eyes open (doesn't work with contacts), deleted a bunch of pictures on my phone, emailed my other boss because I miss her, and got addicted to my Finding Nemo Wavy Grape Chapstick because it smells awesome.  In an hour I get to go home and pick up my kid that was SO mad that I wasn't going on a date tonight like I do every Friday she actually cried because she didn't want to hang out with me.  She will be happy to find out that Gramma Marfa would love to have her over for a movie/pajama party tonight.  Wayne decided he would come to my place and watch a movie with me (wearing a mask, gloves, and sitting in a seperate room with a bottle of bleach.)
Well, 56 minutes to go.  I guess I will read my coupon book from Staples again.

Dear Diary, I Totally Rock

I’ve really been having trouble with this blog thing lately because I can’t think of anything to write about.  I have read a lot of other blogs though, where the writers love to talk about how wonderful they are, it’s almost like reading a big personal pat on the back.  So I am going to take that approach on this one and see how it works out for me.  (But the truth is in the parenth…parranth…peren…bracket thingies.)

Dear Diary,

Life is so good to me.  I have two great jobs (barf…11 years and still no raise at one of them.)  I have a beautiful, lovely 5 year old daughter (holy terror with a side of PMS and drama queen for dessert) who I dearly love (that part is true…in fact it’s an understatement.).  I’ve met a wonderful, caring, nice looking man (who is moving extremely far away in 4 months, leaving my heart in shambles and I’m so not okay with it).  Life couldn’t be better (except for that whole being frighteningly broke thing.)

Oh, it’s going to be so great to be able to go back to my oh-so-rewarding job tomorrow (sitting at a desk twiddling my thumbs waiting for paperwork from clients while I have a fever and feel like someone is impaling me with a butter knife every time I take a breath).  Then, at the end of the day I get some nice quiet time in my car on the peaceful drive home (slamming on the brakes and screaming at people all the way up 37 all the way home, praying that I don’t get rear-ended again).  Then the moment will come when I walk into the daycare and Shelby yells “Mommy!” and throws herself into my arms (and then cries very loudly all the way home because I won’t take her to McDonalds or buy her a pet rat.).  I wonder if the teacher will share more loving, humorous stories of Shelby’s day (like how she hid her snack to try to get seconds, then smashed it all to pieces and threw it when she got called out on it.  Or said “dammit”.)  After dinner, I’m sure Wayne will stop by and we can spend a little quiet time together (he will sit on the couch cowering in fear and shielding his man parts from the 5 year old that is climbing all over him while I fight off the dog).  He will whisper endearments into my ear (tell me I have a snot string hanging).  After a nice goodnight kiss (he backs out of my apartment making a cross with his fingers and shaking his head no) I can go to bed secure in our relationship (wonder if he will ever call me again after I sneezed all over him, my kid relocated his testicles to his armpits, and my cat made a sexual advance at him.)

Then it’s time for the special part of the evening where we wind down, I tuck Shelby into her bed, and sprawl out in my own and read a good book.   (We argue about which jammies to wear for 20 minutes,  she eats 16 snacks, drags out every toy she owns, and I finally give up and end up clinging to the edge of my bed while she and 19 of her closest stuffed animals snore peacefully beside me.)  Then I will wake up in the morning fresh and eager to start the new day! (stumbling blindly towards the kitchen for coffee after hitting snooze 14 times just to find I forgot to set the automatic brew, standing in the freezing cold in my pajamas while my dog carefully selects prime real estate to pee on, getting halfway through my shower and not being able to remember if I washed my hair yet or not, dragging Shelby kicking and screaming out of bed and trying to dress her, and being completely exhausted by the time I get to work).

Life is good (it really is!)!

And it’s only Wednesday…Seriously?

·         I came down with a fever Saturday, and even got sent home from work Monday.

·         I’ve cleaned my house 9,458 times since Monday night.

·         The daycare was closed Tuesday and today, much to my horror.

·         Last night when the winds picked up, I figured out that the people that moved out of the apartment across the hall left their outdoor storage closet door open.  Every 30 seconds, the door slams against their balcony rail and shakes my entire apartment.

·         I gave the dog a bath and a super cute haircut.

·         I spent 4 million dollars this morning going to the ER to find out I have pleurisy.

·         I had Wayne drive me to the ER because I was a little scared that I couldn’t breathe.

·         Wayne got to go to the hospital again with me to pick up my mom, who sprained her foot, and drive her car home.

·         Wayne probably has changed his phone number by now.

·         I’m getting ready to clean my house for the 9,459^th time.

·         My dog can’t figure out how to poop on ice and it’s causing some distress.

·         It takes 3 maintenance men to break the ice in front of a door…one to whack at it with a shovel and two to watch.

·         Only I could cop a buzz on Mucinex.

·         Shelby can say “MOMMY?” 4, 872 times an hour.