Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!  For some reason, Valentines day has always brought me crap, up until I met Bruce, the hopeless romantic.  We did manage to have our first fight on our first Valentine's Day but I probably earned it because I said his dad was a turd.  He always made such a big deal out of Valentine's day, though.  Our last Valentine's day together I had just found out I was pregnant and he bought me a blanket and a card from the baby.  And the card told me how the blanket was to keep me and the baby warm.  I still have that blanket, it's one of those fleecy numbers with a big gawdy horse head on it with lots of orange and red and yellow and brown.  It's the most beautiful blanket ever.  Shelby barfed on it once.  Usually when that happens...straight to the dumpster.  But I washed it a couple dozen times and I still have it.
Tomorrow at the stable a young lady with cancer who only has weeks to live is coming to fulfill one of her last wishes...to go horseback riding with her husband.  It will be their last Valentine's day together.  I can't even begin to imagine. 
Lately I've been sort of reflective, life isn't going the way I think it should and I've been kind of down.  I haven't been the best mom.  I've finally met this great guy and he's going away in a few months.  I could do the selfish thing and pack up and go with him but I would never do that to my daughter or my family.  My family needs Shelby and she needs them and to take her from everything she loves and everything that is familiar is something I could never do for any man.  But the thought of losing him jerks me out of a dead sleep or a happy moment and slaps me in the face.
I have to keep reminding myself of this song by Gary Allan, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" but at some point in the song he says "But it's a beautiful ride" because it is so true. It was popular in the summer of 2006 after Bruce died, I remember vividly because I was driving to Buffalo with my mom and Shelby for the first time since Bruce died.  He loved going to Buffalo and it was the first time going without him since I had met him.  Of course when you are driving that long of a distance, jumping from radio station to radio station, you hear alot of the same stuff over and over and I kept hearing that song.  I finally lost it when we got to the town my aunt and uncle live in and it came on again and I remember telling my mom how excited Bruce would have been to show Shelby off to my family and he never got that chance.  It was so unfair.  I never grieved for Shelby's loss of her dad as much as I did for Bruce's loss of Shelby.  He loved her so so much and I couldn't believe he was going to miss out on her life.  That's all I could think about the day he died, was how much he was going to miss out on.  I know he's watching over her, I know he sees everything she does, but I wish I could see his face and hear him brag about her.
This is the song:  The video sucks, but just listen to the song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDNMtn0t2A
So that's where I am at.  I won't be spending Valentine's day with the new hottie in my life, since I gave him my plague from hell, but that's okay.  He's sitting at home, running a fever, drifting in and out of sleep but when he is awake he is calling me to check on me and see if I need anything, bless his heart.
Tomorrow will be a rough day at the stable.  But I hope that woman and her husband have a beautiful ride.