To the Dog: You started out the morning by eating the legs off of one of Shelby’s favorite toys. Then, when she came into the bathroom while I was showering to tell me you crapped all over the bedroom floor, it probably wasn’t a good time to steal her Pop-Tart. There’s about 20 nice older women at the stable that want you. Go ahead and start picking one out.
To Emma the Cat: It happens every Saturday morning, at least two or three times and I am over it. Do NOT jump on my lap while I am taking a drink of my coffee, bonking my elbow in the process causing me to knock my teeth out with my coffee cup. Furthermore, you do NOT have to dig your claws into my thigh to gain purchase while I am suffering from the shock of getting my teeth knocked out and spilling my coffee down the front of my shirt. You are going to be the consolation prize for one of the older women that Rosco doesn’t choose.
To Nemo the Cat: I don’t know if you have noticed that I don’t have time to hunker down next to the litterbox closet with a poop scoop in my hand waiting for Emma to create something I can clean up for you. Get over your inability to poop in a litterbox that already has stuff in it. I scoop it twice a day, that’s sufficient. I’m trading you in on a pet rat. Rats live in cages.
To The Car: I don’t care about your traction control system, your ABS, or your stupid broken window. I get your oil changed. I’m gentle with your brakes, according to your doctor. Go ahead and activate the ABS all you want for absolutely no reason. The lights on your dashboard? Light ‘em up, I don’t care! Broken window? Who needs drive thrus, right? BITE ME.
And last but not least, Shelby: The reason you can’t have a new bike, pillow pet, Barbie, or even a Skittle is because I have to get a loan to feed you. If I ate even HALF as much as you do, I would weigh 400 pounds. And I would like to congratulate you on the impossible today…Wayne actually yelled. Grant it, it was in terror and fear for your life, but it was something I never thought I would see. I didn’t even think Wayne even gets slightly alarmed about anything, much less yell. Sometimes you have to remind him to blink or breathe, I think. And you gave him a chance to see his normally quiet, level-headed girlfriend go completely ballistic, complete with screaming and a swat on your butt, along with the rest of the people at Cool Creek park that thought they were there for a relaxing good time.
Sigh. Much better.
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