SERIOUSLY??????

I knew it was going to be an interesting night when I got to the daycare and Shelby was wearing pants that didn’t belong to her.  I looked at the teacher, who informed me that she peed her pants, it got on her pants and on the floor but somehow missed her underwear.  Really?  I looked at the daycare director, who looked at me accusingly, since this was certainly all my fault.  The daycare director then told me that she caught Shelby whispering in another child’s ear.  GASP!

Then…she told me that apparently the conversation was about mommy and mommy’s boyfriend kissing.  She followed it by a look that said “So take your skanky self with your fake leather high heel boots and your out of control child out to your duct taped car and try to get a sitter the next time you decide to have an orgy in your home.”

So it gets better.  I got in the car, and told Shelby “You know, I guess you saw me and Wayne kissing but we don’t need to tell people stuff like that because it is private.”  To which Shelby replied, “Whatever, mommy.  We don’t look at other people’s privates and you know that.” 

We got home, and in the time it took me to pee and wash my hands she downed three oreos and started on a pop tart.  I ordered a pizza, which she ate a little of, and then she got the eggs out and informed Wayne and I that she was going to scramble some eggs.   (Yes, I let Wayne come over but told him to keep his clothes on until we can get a sitter.)  I told her she was absolutely not going to scramble some eggs and she slammed them on the counter and turned to argue with me, and Wayne quietly said, “No eggs, Shelby.”  And the weirdest thing happened…she shut up.  She pouted, but she shut up.

I’m walking a tightrope with this kid.  Every single conversation is a battle.  Everything that happens at daycare is a direct reflection on me and my skanktastic lifestyle. 

I’m off to have a cocktail of Premsyn and Prozac.  Goodnight, y’all.