I wrote him a note telling him I wanted to beg him to stay, but not to worry, I wouldn’t do that because I know there is no point. I’d never choose a life with anyone over a life with my kid and I would never ask that of someone else.
Dan and my stepmom Lori brought up a good point…here I feel sorry for myself but I made a choice, too. I chose not to go with him. If he chooses to stay, he misses out with his kid’s life, but if I went with him, I could take my kid with me. But as Leslie pointed out…it’s a long walk of shame from Nevada to Indiana, especially with a kid in tow.
But why does this have to hurt so bad? Why do I have to resent every second over the past few months and the next few days that doesn’t have him in it? Why can’t I be that levelheaded person that I was a few months ago that just keeps pushing through it without batting an eye? I guess it’s just been a long time since I’ve felt this way about someone.
What scares me the most is my lack of focus on anything but this right now and the resulting guilt. A month ago, the thought of my kid being gone overnight would have me in tears. This weekend with Shelby being gone, I guess it was a relief to be able to just feel what I want and do what I want and act how I want. There’s so many things going on in my life and in other people’s lives other than this, but this is all I can think about right now. I keep telling myself once he is gone, once he is at his destination, wherever that may be it will get better and the hard part will be over. Add on to that, I’m broke right now and when I am broke I can’t think rationally about anything. Being the rock that Shelby needs and not showing any emotion (because she hates that) is going to be extremely hard this week, but it’s what I have to force myself to do.
He keeps saying this is not an ending, it’s a beginning. He is fully, completely confident that he is going to go out there and get this great job (in the unemployment capital of America) and we are going to Skype and he’s going to fly us out every couple of months to visit (with my endless supply of days off that I can take from work and all) and eventually we will be out there with him. He’s going to be a great daddy to Shelby, he says. We will have this great house, and start flipping houses and buying property and I will get a job with horses, even if it only pays crap because I won’t need to work since he’s going to support us. He’s happy because he has me, and there is no one else out there for him and he just knows it and it’s all going to be just fiiiine.
I guess all I can do is have the complete confidence that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. This could bring clarity, it could get worse, God only knows. I just have to trust that I can push all of the gray areas aside enough to listen to what God is telling me.
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