6 Years Later...

Six years ago I remember everything about that day.  Bruce had the day off work and was home with Shelby, and brought her to my office to see me.  She had a little bit of poop on her sock from when he had changed her diaper earlier that day.  I remember being kind of annoyed by that.  I made hamburgers for dinner with Grandma Brown's brand baked beans.  A friend Bruce hadn't seen in a while was supposed to come over to visit and he was pretty excited, bustling around cleaning the house and fidgeting at the computer while he surfed the net.  I remember weird details like the shirt he was wearing that night, the beer he had in his hand, and how unbelievably cold it was outside.  But I had never dreamed that it was going to be the last night I ever saw him alive.
It has gotten easier to deal with over the years but this year has been a little hard because there is so much different going on in my life right now...not really anything familiar and comforting like there was in Indiana, and most of all my mom isn't here.  We don't like, sit and re-live it, but she was there living through it with me, and quietly in the background taking care of the things I couldn't.  And the rest of my family, too, at a time when all I had the energy to do was cry and lash out at everything and everyone around me.
I have to work tomorrow, it's life as usual.  It still hurts though in a different way.  Like I told Wayne earlier...it's not so much the missing him as it is the unfairness and the memories of how I felt that day and the months afterwards.  I'm at peace with where he is, as Shelby's gaurdian angel, hangin' out with Jesus.  But I will never be able to erase the way I felt, the guilt I felt for not calling an ambulance sooner, for the constant nagging and griping I did the last two months he was alive about money and anything else I could think of to nag about.  I will never be able to erase the memories of the morning that he died, the hope I felt when I saw him that maybe he had just fainted, the terror when I realized it was more than that, and the absolute disbelief when a nurse confirmed what I already knew deep down.  I will never be able to understand why he has to miss out on this beautiful, mischevious, drama queen, comedienne of a little girl.
I don't have a grave to visit this year, so this is all I've got.  Once again, just as last year...Rest in Peace, Bruce.  We will never stop missing you.