Connecticut

This morning, long before the crack of dawn, Shelby woke me up yet again with another bad dream.  I was annoyed.
On the other side of the country, about that same time, someone was waking up their kid to go to school.

My neighbor's obnoxious car alarm woke me out of a dead sleep an hour later.
On the other side of the country, someone's kid was starting a normal day of school, maybe even looking forward to a holiday party or practicing songs to sing in a performance for their parents.

Shelby wouldn't get up for school.  She was tired, she has a cold, she was yelling and crying that she wanted to stay home and she couldn't blow all the snot out of her nose.  I yelled at her.  I belittled her.  I was mad because she was making me late.
In Connecticut, someone's sweet baby, the very center of their being, lay dead in a classroom.

On my way to a job, I was driving along dreading the weekend and the fighting and arguing that always comes with it.  I was mad because I forgot my camera to take pictures of the snow on the mountains.
In Connecticut, someone was finding out that they would never see their little one alive again.

On my way to the second job, I was praying for a phone call from the boss telling me to take the day off.  I was dreaming of cleaning bathrooms, stuffing my face, and taking a long nap.
In Connecticut, hundreds of innocent kids were faced with something that no one should ever have to face in their life, and innocence was gone, and will never be given back.

This afternoon, as I picked my kid up from school, someone was going home to house with a bedroom that belonged to their dead child.  They might have stepped over a bicycle in the front walk that they probably cursed at the day before.  They may have tripped over a toy left out, or stepped on a sticky spot in the kitchen.  They may have been mentally killing themselves over harsh words as they drove their now deceased child to school that morning.  They saw pictures on the fridge that they may have been tempted to throw away at one point.  They saw shoes lying on the floor that the child will never wear again.  They saw dirty laundry in the hamper that no longer needs to be washed.  They saw chunks of toothpaste in the bathroom sink.

Please pray for God's comfort and strength over the coming days, weeks and years for all of those involved in this terrible tragedy.  For those of you that want to know where God was while all this was happening...He was there with the teachers that were protecting their students.  He was there with the first responders that had never seen anything so horrific in their lives, and yet were still able to take action and function accordingly.  He is there in the nation, and even world that is mourning for the loss of lives, and grieving for children, staff, and families they have never met.

I So Suck At This

So I just put a blog out about fall in the desert and noticed the most recent one that I wrote was in June or July, I can't remember which because that was so 30 seconds ago.  I figured I would write a little update on my life because with the winter months coming, I really want to try to write more.  I have plenty of material each day but I'm too tired to do anything about it.
I won't write about my job because there is nothing to say.  Everyone makes bad decisions and it's just one more thing that has blown up in my face.  Live and learn.
Shelby...wow.  Shelby is an absolute wonder, and she is still my whole entire life.  Since the last time I have written she can read like you wouldn't believe.  She can't write worth anything, but MAN that kid can read.  I got a progress report saying that she is pretty much on target for everything, but she exceeds the standard in math.  She told me tonight that her teacher doesn't believe that she really reads 30 minutes a day like she says she does.  Not only does she read that much, but she teaches her imaginary students how to read AND she reads them storys.  On a less serious note though, Wayne and Ryan have both agreed that if the child had a camera on her 24/7, we would all be millionaires.  She is the funniest, clutziest airhead that has ever walked the face of the earth.  She is constantly covered in dirt and scabs, smells like puppies, never knows where her shoes and socks are, and has the most incredible laugh ever.  She's wracked up the most incredible hospital bills on the face of the earth between acid reflux, constipation, and a concussion incident on the green machine.  She takes hip hop dance lessons and has a massive crush on her dance teacher (in all his pink haired, Beyonce booty shaking glory) and must have paint on her crusty dirty toenails at all times and wear gauzy, leopard print, snake skin, strappy, neon colored, peace signed clothing.
Wayne is still Wayne, which is why I love him.  Wayne has the same job issues I do.  He works hard.  The plumbing business sucks out here but so does pretty much any business out here.  He still knows no drama, tolerates no drama, and doesn't care what anyone thinks.  He loves like no one I have ever met.  I've given him plenty of reasons to send me packing but his capacity to love and forgive is absolutely amazing.  And he's still friggin' hot.  Our apartment flooded during a monsoon, he has lost two jobs in the 9 months that I've been here, my kid is a drama queen who won't go to bed at a decent hour, and he's supported me through everything, and has never thought twice about it or given up.  Psst...I even got him to go to church one Sunday.  And when he does falter and get down, I selfishly turn into a jerk and he ends up taking care of me instead.  I can't imagine living with me.  Ugh.  He is a rock.
So that's the updates.  I'm going to bed because it is almost midnight on a Wednesday and I have really important bookkeeping crap to do tomorrow...but I miss Indiana.  I miss my mom and our impromptu dinner dates.  I miss hanging at my dad and stepmom's and hanging with my sister on dance or 'nastics nights.  I miss Nick and the rest of the herds at Agape and my awesome coworkers, and I miss my boss Joe and the cool house in Ft. Ben we worked out of.  I miss the smell of fall, the open windows at night, and Rosco sleeping at the foot of my bed.
So when are y'all moving out to Vegas?

Fall in the Desert

So...this is weird.
This is my first fall season in Nevada.  I've been following all of the posts from my loved ones in Indiana on Facebook about shivering, cold temps. rain, hayrides, bonfires, pumpkin patches, and chili.  I've been homesick before, but this has pretty much sent me over the edge.
Two weeks ago we decided to try camping.  We couldn't get a spot on Mt. Charleston, because apparently all of the other transients in Las Vegas who are not from here are up there trying to pretend they are back in Michigan, or somewhere in New England, or even Indiana.  They want dry leaves and fires and frigid night time temps and well, that smell.  So we tried Red Rock Canyon.  Sure, plenty of room to camp here!  Come on in!  Oh but...you need to drive 20 minutes up the road to Target to get a propane grill because you can't have wood, charcoal, or a bic lighter here in these parts because it's THE DESERT.  But come back after October first when the burn ban has been lifted so you can roast some marshmallows and see the kangaroo rats dance in the firelight, instead of noticing them only when they run over your foot in search of your hot dog buns when it gets dark at 6:00.
Three weeks ago, I noticed some activity in the Kmart parking lot next to my office.  First, a bunch of people showed up and started laying poles down on the ground.  Then, they ran one of those metal speed bump things to cover the extension cords running across the road to Jack in the Box.  Then a fence and some hay bales showed up, and a mobile home with some canoes on it.  Oh look, what's that?  Some scary looking carnival rides and a big inflatable slide.  Monday the pumpkins showed up.  Yesterday, cars were parked all over the place in the Kmart parking lot, women frolicking with their toddlers in tow to this thing they call a "Pumpkin Patch".  We drove past it on the way home from dance lessons and I pointed it out to Wayne and said "Do you believe that?  That's a pumpkin patch!!!"  And Wayne, being a southern California boy looked at me like I was the one that was crazy!
It is 100 degrees here.  It is October and I am still using clinical strength Degree.  My hub bearings are shot.  I had to get my battery replaced.  I had to give it up and buy a sunshade for my car.  It's 11 o'clock at night and my a/c is running.  I have NOT made a pot of chili since last February.  I bought pumpkin spice flavored coffee this morning at 7-11 just to stop the tears.  Yes, we have dried leaves here on the ground, but they have been falling since April because these poor trees that get transplanted to the desert are sitting here saying "What the heck?  I'm supposed to be at the end of a long stone wall in an Iowa cornfield in a damn Ansel Adams photo!!!!!"
And I can relate...

Nevada

What I Have Learned About Desert Life

I haven’t been here long enough for this to be normal yet.  Every day is still new and exciting.  I would like to share with you a list of things I’ve experienced here in Henderson, Nevada.

·         I am the only person I’ve seen that doesn’t have a tattoo.  I have nothing against tattoos, and wouldn't mind sporting one myself one day if I could find the perfect one, but I feel that I have broken an unwritten law here.

·         My car overheats in the winter here, but if its 119 degrees outside, no worries.

·         If you have a gambling problem, do NOT move here.  There are slot machines in CVS, Smith’s (aka Kroger) and pretty much every gas station.  One gas station I’ve gone to even gives you free coffee for playing their slots.  They’ve got good coffee, too but I’m better off paying for it in cash, with my luck.  Trust me.

·         No one here is from here.  I’ve heard more New York accents here than I have ever heard anywhere and I’ve met a HUGE number of people from Indiana.  Oh, and none of us Hoosiers understand the dry heat theory.  It’s just freaking hot.

·         The bugs are phenomenal.  The FAA controls the flight patterns of the bugs out here, and all bugs have to carry their pilot’s licenses on them at all times to avoid paying heavy fines.   Right now, there is a dead bug on my front porch that I’m pretty sure got shot down by military aircraft for entering restricted airspace.  If you dare step out the front door late at night, they are so loud you can hear their footsteps as they run away.  I don’t think it’s because they are afraid of people, I think it’s because they sneak into your house and steal your beer and they are just trying not to get caught.  Or…maybe they think I’m with the FAA.

·         Toilet paper is cheaper out here.  I really don’t have a theory on that.

·         I can go out in public with my bangs in a ponytail on top of my head like someone out of a Dr. Seuss book, boxer shorts, a tank top and running shoes with yesterday’s make up on  and no one even bats an eye.  I know this for a fact because I do it at least twice a week.  But wear pantyhose…hell to the NO.  Every single person you walk past in the grocery store will stare at you, and every single child under the age of 4 at your kid’s daycare with tackle you just to touch your legs.

·         It is completely normal to see a tall skinny dude wearing a fur lined hunting cap, velvet tank top, and shorty shorts showing off his Michael Jackson moves with all his heart on the sidewalk across the street from your apartment complex.  What I once thought was strange, I now view with admiration.

·         In Indiana, 65 mile per hour wind gusts mean that you immediately need to move to an interior room in the lowest level of your house.  In Nevada, it means you don’t have to cancel your picnic plans just yet.

·         My church has a smoking area out front.  The worship band plays a rockin’ version of Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child of Mine”.

I don’t really know what to feel about all of these things just yet, but I wish you could see the things I get to see on a daily basis.  The Vegas strip in the distance at night.  Beautiful mountains everywhere you look.  Pine trees and palm trees living in harmony.  Elderly women in 48 pounds of makeup…you get the picture.

Desert Life

I'm making a resolution to keep up with my blog.  However, I make alot of resolutions and lets's just admit that I'm kinda lazy and I'm tired alot.  What's my excuse?  Absolutely nothing.  I'm honest.  So there.
While I am being honest, I had a brief relapse in my quest to quit smoking.  I blame it on alot of things...stress, money, stress, stress, and stress. 
My apartment is in constant shambles.  I've steam cleaned the carpet eight (yes, I am keeping count) times.  That's more months than I have lived here.  I'm engaged to a man whose idea of cleaning and making things look pretty is centering his big Igloo cooler that he takes to work every day in front of the fireplace.  I have a daughter who has a large amount of stuffed animals that are bigger than...me.  I talk to a cat that shows up on my porch every night just because she agrees with everything I say.  I speak, she says "yeah". It's nine minutes after midnight and a mere five minutes ago, I wrestled a 9 billion foot garden hose into a storage closet praying the whole time that a black widow or a lizard wasn't residing in it.
The heat...enough said.  Dry heat?  Okay, well yes, it is a dry heat, but all that means is that it feels more like opening the door to your oven to check on your cookies than opening the door to a bathroom where someone just took a hot shower.
The infamous Buick...well, she's a trooper, and I can say that because I was just bragging on her the other day and the traction control system immediately went out, and she gracefully threatened to overheat on Wayne while he was stuck in traffic the other day.  But that car, who is 10 years old has had the most amazing life in the past 7 months.  She transported my stepmom, my dad, and my mice across country without a complaint.  She has been up and down mountains, she's been to California twice and seen beaches and...
Holy crap, this is getting boring and monotonous.  Like I said, at least I'm honest.
In short...
Have you ever sat at your kitchen table and seen a mountain in the distance with the sun setting behind it?
Have you ever looked at someone you plan to marry and actually felt the love and trust radiating from them?
Have you ever looked at your kid and realized they are so happy they don't even know how to handle it?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has never held a grudge against you, or made fun of your feelings, or has ever made you feel like the way you acted out of anger was silly or stupid (even though it was)?
Have you ever been driving to work and saw something in the distance so beautiful it took your breath away...every day?
Despite all my griping, health problems, stress...
I can actually answer yes to all of those questions up there.

Burn After Reading

I'm really bummed out because I haven't been able to think of anything I write about (although my adventures are constant).  And I'm not usually the sappy type, I can't stand that sort of thing, but here goes...
My latest news is that I am officially engaged.  Wayne took Shelby and I out to dinner the Saturday night before Easter and asked me to marry him.  That was over a week ago and I still haven't been able to stop staring at my ring and wondering how in the hell I got so lucky.  I have this beautiful daughter, I live in this gorgeous section of the earth, and Wayne Atkins wants to marry me.  That's like, a way better last name than I have now.  (I'm just kidding...a little.)  On a serious note, he's the first person to ever love me no matter what, who wasn't related to me.  He has dealt with my depressed and unemployed phase, my temper tantrums over stupid crap, my obsession with clean stuff, my stomach aches, PMS, migraines, frustrations with my kid and his kid, and has NEVER once made me feel like a lesser person, or the least bit bad about anything.  Some people look at marriage as losing a piece of themselves...I see it as gaining a missing piece because of Wayne, and because of Ryan.
So, I guess I shouldn't burn this after reading.  It's okay to be sappy sometimes.

Help Wanted

Well, I was writing something a couple of days ago and forgot to save it and lost it.  Of course, it was the one time Auto Recovery didn’t rescue it, either.  I don’t even remember what it was about…something about comparisons and Nevada and Indiana.  I was really happy with it.  Cracked myself up a few times. 

I guess I could go with some updates.  I’m adjusting to life as an unemployed person.  My hardest decision each day is whether or not I should take a shower before or after I take Shelby to school.  My other tough decision is when to take a nap.  Do I eat some breakfast and take it right after I drop Shelby at school?  Or do I get a little laundry done, clean up some stuff, have some lunch, THEN take a nap?  If I take a nap in the afternoon, will I wake up grumpy because it’s already getting dark at 4:00 and then I’m going to feel guilty and like a big loser because I took a nap?  Oh by the way, seasonal affect disorder does not disappear when you move to the desert, folks!   

 I also suffer from pantyhose anxiety, which is an affliction where you constantly wonder what you are going to do if you get called for a job interview and they guarantee that they will hire you if you can be there in an hour and you don’t have any pantyhose to wear with the one skirt that you have that fits.  Oh, and I don’t have the nerve to ask Wayne for the money to buy the pantyhose because you know, he’s completely supporting my high-maintenance- must-have-Tide-and-nice-toilet-paper self.

So no, in all actuality, I am not adjusting to being unemployed.  I have become the person in the house that everyone sort of like, avoids and doesn’t make eye contact with because “it might explode”.  Even the dog, who doesn’t get excited about much anyway, kind of eyeballs me when I walk in the door like, “Should I get up and say hi or…….?”  I am so bored out of my mind I can’t stand it.  I won’t go anywhere because I’m trying not to waste gas.  I know exactly what time the automatic sprinklers come on and what days (Wednesday and Saturday at 9:04 a.m.)  I am excited because I get to go to the health department tomorrow to have my TB test checked and watch an hour long feature on proper hand washing and I don’t feel guilty about the gas because it’s required for a job.

The highlight of my week was getting hired on as an on-call sub at Shelby’s daycare.  That wasn’t the highlight though…I had to go get a shot and a TB test at the health department over near Lake Mead.  Well that sucked too but I had a few extra dollars of my allowance so I stopped at Del Taco for a nacho fix.  The cashier treated me like I was her best friend.  I ordered something called “Macho Nachos” because it sounded big and was only $5 including the drink.   When I saw them, I exclaimed “Wow, they are huge!” and the young man that handed them to me waggled his eyebrows and said “Why do you think we call them “Macho”?”  I sat at my table and looked at my phone to discover…they had free wi-fi!  And I looked up to see one of the most gorgeous mountain views I’d seen in a long time.

Then I decided to stop at Albertson’s to do my grocery shopping because I’d never been there before and watched an old man drop a hocker into a floor drain in the freezer section.   So I left and went home and took a nap.

Yes, I need a real job.

Viva...Henderson

Well I have been here for almost two months, and have been suffering from writer’s block this entire time.  There’s a lot of funny stuff to write about here but most of it can’t be put into words.

Shelby is adjusting quite nicely, aside from the occasional bouts of kindergarten girl hormones.  She has a new best friend in the little girl that lives across the sidewalk.  In fact, I think she may live here in our apartment but as long as Shelby is quiet I’m cool with that.  I’ve become friends with her mom, who is jobless like me.  We don’t hang out and be jobless together because there is a slight chance that we could turn into Thelma and Louise.

Wayne seems to be adjusting…the look of surprise is only on his face sometimes instead of all the time.  He seems like he still loves me, or he is a REALLY good actor.  He’s been a very good sport about this whole adjustment period and the fact that I have no job.  I’d say he is happy to have clean laundry and a clean house and hot meals when he gets home from work…but then that makes me feel like one of those scary housewives that makes the whole family eat granola and whole grains and I don’t want anyone to get that impression.  Oh and, until we move our home will never be clean and always will have that special “Something must have died here at one time” smell.

I’m not adjusting.  I haven’t gone this long without working since I was on maternity leave from having Shelby.  Even then, I was still needed…my boss called a lot.  Bless Wayne’s heart for keeping Shelby in daycare for me so she can have a social life.  Or maybe he is worried that we will cause each other physical harm…but well, social life and all regardless.  I have shampooed the carpet at least a dozen times.  I clean the kitchen twice a day.  I vacuum a lot.  In fact, I’ve purchased two since I moved here.  We have 3 vacuum cleaners and no coat closet to park them in.  I dust 14 times a day, apparently it’s because we live in the desert.

OTHER than the obvious discontent from having too much time on my hands, I’m happy.  He loves me.  He loves my kid.  And we haven’t very easy to love, especially during this adjustment period.    Shelby stalks him and fights with him over the TV.  I’ve been moody and sick and went into a funk the job didn’t work out.  The kids aren’t getting along but we are working on that and I’m trying not to take it personally.  I nag the dog, made her go on a diet, my cat throws up unless he eats expensive food, and I’m trying to re-learn how to cook.  But the man still loves us and he’s a rock.  I keep thinking of that awful time after he moved, when I couldn’t see him every day, and my heart skips a beat when I think that I don’t have to go through that again.  I can get up and have coffee and watch the news every morning with him.  Now, if I could just get him to stay awake past 8:00 at night…hahaha!  Baby steps!

More to come, I hope.  Feeling a tiny lift in the writer’s block!