New Relationships

So, you’ve found him.  He makes you laugh, he’s hot, he makes you daydream, he makes you think about (oh no…) a future with him?

Then here comes the awkward crap…

Dining Out:  When, in the relationship is it okay to scream every expletive you have heard in your life after you have bitten into something only to realize that the temperature of that object came from the bowels of hell?  Do you gracefully spit it into your napkin?  Do you grab the nearest beverage in hopes of dousing the firestorm that has sprouted on your tongue and is radiating into your ears and brain?  Or do you sit there and quietly chew, reminding yourself that if you survived childbirth, surely to God you can survive this?  Both times, (yes, both) I have opted for the third choice.  Mind you, I had an epidural when I gave birth.

Bodily Functions:  Now here’s a helpful hint.  At a certain point in the relationship, there may be an embarrassing moment of a bodily function, whether it’s a burp, a toot, an errant string of snot, or a choking episode.  However, if you want to get it all out of the way at once, when he pulls a cat hair out of his mouth and reaches for his drink, go ahead and make a joke about his scandalous relationship with his cat.  Make sure your sentence ends just as he has a mouthful of his drink.  Sit back and watch the action.  I would like to issue an apology to Lori, who was babysitting my child, since when I picked up the child my hands and face were covered in smeared mascara and my eyes were bloodshot from all of the laughing and sobbing that was a result of this little experiment.  I probably even smelled like the beer that was consequently spewed all over my face and hair.  But just remember…someday the tables will turn and it’s going to be YOU sitting there thinking “I can’t believe I just did that.  I wonder if he will ever call me again?”

Miscellaneous:

·         He stops by to introduce himself for the first time, and the dog decides to display his love for the cat by humping him furiously in the middle of the living room.

·         Since his kid calls him “Daddy”, your kid decides it’s okay to call him that, too.

·         Falling off the conveyer belt in front of him at the snow tubing place.

·         Using the restroom to find out there’s a giant booger hanging out of your nose.

·         You have a fear of people seeing your feet and you just removed your socks because you stepped in chocolate milk that the cat spilled and there’s a knock at your door.

·         Having a quiet moment together when your stomach decides to break into song…”wawawawawawawawawa?”

·         Finding your child hanging out in the bathroom with him while he fixes the toilet, telling him everything she can think of about your last relationship.

Good luck and don’t sweat it.  This is how you find out if someone REALLY likes you.