Storm Preparations in the Kisby/Billingsley Household

1.        I stopped at CVS after I got sent home sick from work.  I felt very grown up and self important as I purchased a package of two flashlights, patting myself on the back the whole time for my good thinking.  “Do you have batteries?” the cashier asked.  “Yep, got tons of them at home.”  However, when I got home I found that the batteries are C’s and the flashlights take D’s.

2.       Prozac prescription locked and loaded.

3.       Car is nestled in the carport.  However, the spray de-icer is safely inside, rendering itself useless if the doors freeze shut.  Guess I better go down and get it.

4.       I’ve already devised a harness system in my head for the sled for when I have to take Rosco out to pee.

5.       I have one candle in the house, it’s linen scented, to warm up a can of soup with.

6.       Shelby is wearing a bikini right now and jumping off the arm of the couch.  Very important in an ice storm.

7.       I told Shelby we are taking a little trip with Ryan and Wayne in about a month.  So now she has something to bug living crap out of me about every 5 minutes while we are stuck in the house together over the coming days.

8.       Shelby is now modeling swimsuit #2.  It’s a nice little 1 piece floral patterned number.

9.       Mom showed up earlier, complete with tons of junk food, orange sherbet and yellow roses, which made my heart soar.

10.   Shelby and I have already eaten everything in the house, so if we get iced in is there anyone that will feed us?

Writer's Block So Here's Some Pics

Notice the rear feet pointed towards the heavens.

Yeah they look cute, but they aren't.  Notice the look of seriousness.  They're plotting.  They travel in a pair.  It looks, sounds and smells like a frat party with all of the wrestling, shouting, drooling, knocking over of lamps.

View from Sheba's back.  LOVE her.

HR taking a little rest in his stall before classes.  Could he be any cuter?



Can I get an "Awwwwwwwww"?

No comment.

Behold, a lady.

You can't come in unless you know the password and have one of these supercool masks.

Please PLEASE don't let this be a sign of things to come.

Uh, Mom?  Maybe instead of laughing at me and pulling out the camera you could help me out?

I came home one night and found this picture of my apartment online on a news website.  The cloud is pointing at my bedroom window.  I'm pretty sure if I would have been home and looked out and saw this, I would have moved out the next day.  What's worse, is there is a red pickup truck parked IN MY SPOT UNDER THE CARPORT!

Ahh yes...I see a scholarship to Harvard in her future.

Taking home her new kitten.  Yup, they were both cute once.

Best friends forever.  Well, until the next time he bites her or steals a chicken nugget.

New Relationships

So, you’ve found him.  He makes you laugh, he’s hot, he makes you daydream, he makes you think about (oh no…) a future with him?

Then here comes the awkward crap…

Dining Out:  When, in the relationship is it okay to scream every expletive you have heard in your life after you have bitten into something only to realize that the temperature of that object came from the bowels of hell?  Do you gracefully spit it into your napkin?  Do you grab the nearest beverage in hopes of dousing the firestorm that has sprouted on your tongue and is radiating into your ears and brain?  Or do you sit there and quietly chew, reminding yourself that if you survived childbirth, surely to God you can survive this?  Both times, (yes, both) I have opted for the third choice.  Mind you, I had an epidural when I gave birth.

Bodily Functions:  Now here’s a helpful hint.  At a certain point in the relationship, there may be an embarrassing moment of a bodily function, whether it’s a burp, a toot, an errant string of snot, or a choking episode.  However, if you want to get it all out of the way at once, when he pulls a cat hair out of his mouth and reaches for his drink, go ahead and make a joke about his scandalous relationship with his cat.  Make sure your sentence ends just as he has a mouthful of his drink.  Sit back and watch the action.  I would like to issue an apology to Lori, who was babysitting my child, since when I picked up the child my hands and face were covered in smeared mascara and my eyes were bloodshot from all of the laughing and sobbing that was a result of this little experiment.  I probably even smelled like the beer that was consequently spewed all over my face and hair.  But just remember…someday the tables will turn and it’s going to be YOU sitting there thinking “I can’t believe I just did that.  I wonder if he will ever call me again?”

Miscellaneous:

·         He stops by to introduce himself for the first time, and the dog decides to display his love for the cat by humping him furiously in the middle of the living room.

·         Since his kid calls him “Daddy”, your kid decides it’s okay to call him that, too.

·         Falling off the conveyer belt in front of him at the snow tubing place.

·         Using the restroom to find out there’s a giant booger hanging out of your nose.

·         You have a fear of people seeing your feet and you just removed your socks because you stepped in chocolate milk that the cat spilled and there’s a knock at your door.

·         Having a quiet moment together when your stomach decides to break into song…”wawawawawawawawawa?”

·         Finding your child hanging out in the bathroom with him while he fixes the toilet, telling him everything she can think of about your last relationship.

Good luck and don’t sweat it.  This is how you find out if someone REALLY likes you.

A Dreamy Morning

It was cold and still dark out when I got to the stable, but my day had finally arrived.  It had been years since I was given the opportunity to ride regularly, and today was the day I was to start.  I wandered into the tack room and checked out the saddle fitting chart.  I chose my saddle and the pads and located her bridle, grabbed the grooming bucket and set them by her stall.  I went back to the office to finish my coffee and stare out at the lightening day and think about the work I was about to do.  My heart was singing.

I pushed open the big heavy barn door and walked toward the paddock with an air of confidence and excitement dancing in my heart.  Head held high, halter and lead rope in my hand, I scoped her out, standing by herself, staring at me as I walked towards her.  I began to feel that connection, between woman and horse, when I stepped on a frozen puddle of horse pee and landed flat on my back.

Thank God it was frozen.

Mysteries

How is it a big container of cheese balls costs $6.99, but a part that is going to fix my toilet, stop it from leaking and running, and reduce my water bill by twenty bucks a month costs $1.19?

How can a 12 pound cat eat 4 mouthfuls of food, and vomit three times his body weight all over the carpet?

Why can I instantly calm and talk down an 800 lb horse that has decided to go airborne and try to kick the snot out of anyone within reach, but I can’t gracefully drag a 40 pound kid out of a store, kicking and screaming because I ran out of quarters for the claw machine?

Why do ink cartridges cost $39 a piece but a new printer that contains two of them costs $19.99?

Why can I walk into a salon and get my hair cut for about $20 but I paid $82 for Petsmart to shave my dog and cut his nails?

How can the dog pick out and set aside all of the lamb pieces of food in his bowl and refuse to eat them, but he’ll eat a cat turd?

And while we are on that subject, why will the dog go crazy over a grape flavored kid’s Benadryl tablet but he won’t eat a piece of bacon?

How can a 5 year old girl dart into traffic, jump into the deep end of a swimming pool, slide down a flight of stairs face first, climb anything that looks fun for climbing, run up to any strange dog in the neighborhood without even batting an eye, but not be able to go to the bathroom in our own home by herself because there are monsters in there?

Things That Made Me Happy This Week

(I’m not bragging, I’m just reminding myself as this week comes to a close.)

1.        The sound of a 4 year old girl who is disabled, riding a horse and belting out the song “Frosty the Snowman” in her loudest, bawdiest, uninhibited 3 pack a day smoker’s voice.  I mean, the girl can REALLY sing, not the slightest bit tone deaf or anything.

2.       The giant, contented smile that crossed a little boy’s face, who is disabled, while he listened to his little sister mentioned in #1 sing.

3.       I got carded at Olive Garden.  (But then, so did Wayne and he’s older than me.)

4.       Ending in “the black” after a last minute, surprise donation.

5.       I watched a hot guy (mentioned in #3) fix my toilet. 

6.       Another hot guy in the form of an overly tall quarter horse walked up to the fence while I was on the phone and pressed his lips against my forehead for a while, like a big giant horsey “I love you.”

7.       I found a really nice dog leash on sale CHEAP at Menards.  It’s a 16 ft long retractable so I can walk Rosco the schnoodle and pretend I don’t know him.

8.       Shelby told me the fat around my belly is going away (that little turd). 

9.       Listening to my boss talk to his 4 year old grandson.

10.   Listening to Shelby talk grown up to the lady cutting her hair.

Fashion and Lack Thereof

Ugg Boots and Their Knockoffs

I do not own a pair of these, although I would LOVE to.  They look so warm and comfy and they are cute, if worn appropriately.  Unfortunately, I’ve encountered a colossal problem though with these things, which may even cause me to turn against them:

You see it at the daycare.  You see it at the grocery store.  You see it at the gas station, restaurants, and movie theaters.  You know exactly what I am about to say and it’s striking fear deep in your heart…

The mom, in a knee length wool coat, baggy sweatpants, with one pant leg tucked into a boot and one leg untucked.  

Skinny Jeans

I am hugely guilty of this trend because, much like my obsession with wearing socks at all times, I can’t stand pant legs with a wide hem.  They feel weird to me.  They make me cold even if it is warm out.  I prefer straight leg jeans, which are obsolete.  Bootcut jeans are fine with boots, but another problem I have is that I am between lengths and would never go too short.  So if I go the next length up and wear them with shoes, they completely cover my feet, causing me to look like a stumbling clydesdale everywhere I go.  I do own one obscenely skinny pair of skinny jeans.  You can see my cellulite through these jeans.  I can’t pull them off without my socks coming off with them, much to my horror.  However, due to budget constraints in my wardrobe and the fact that my washing machine is the size of a thimble, I do occasionally have to subject the public to these jeans.

Socks with Toes

You’ve seen them…those socks that are like gloves for your feet.  It’s wrong and it’s creepy.

For those of us that have a serious foot phobia, this is a nightmare.  It’s not even feet that bother me, it’s the toe part.  They’ve got those nails, and (ugh, I can’t even go any further.)  And you want to put on a sock that gives each toe it’s own little compartment?  Do you know how WEIRD that is?  Don’t you think that they should all be together, anyway?  I mean, why separate them?  Why screw up a good thing?  What if they get anxious or lonely?

I do take care of my feet, I don’t want you to think that this phobia has resulted in long, yellow, nasty toenails for Shelby and I.  We have matching painted toenails, even though no one ever sees MY feet, but you never know when you could be in a car accident or pull your skinny jeans off and lose a sock in the process.  

Things to Keep Your Ears Warm

I envy women that can wear hats and look completely adorable.  There’s so many cute winter hats out there that I wish I could wear.  I would even be happy with one of those bands you wear on your head to cover your ears and keep them warm.  It sucks having a slightly, slowly aging craggy face because when I put on a hat or headband I instantly resemble a pug.  My eyebrows get tangled up with my eyelashes.  My mascara rubs off onto my cheek bones. No matter how happy, sad, or mad I am, the only expression I can pull off is one of extreme concern.

In closing, I am no fashionista by any stretch of the imagination.  I leave that to the 5 year old in my house.  My idea of looking good is walking out of the house with clothes on.  As much as I try to refrain from wearing my skinny jeans with my Asics (which you know, I need with all of the jogging I do), I can’t promise it won’t happen.  I can promise you that you will never see me in anything that exposes my toes, and I will never wear anything except sneakers with my baggy sweatpants.

Life in a Barn

It’s really hard to sit here and think of all of the wonderful things going on in my life when Shelby is going through such a hard phase.  I have two jobs when some have none,  I have a pretty nice roof over my head, even if it is a little bit messy, and I met a man that makes me want to delete my earlier blogs about anything mean I have ever said about men.  I’m waking up earlier, I’m working harder, and finally feeling a little bit of hope after so many years of going through the motions.

But enough of that corny crap.

Today I received an email from our volunteer coordinator asking all of the staff to contribute a little something to the volunteer newsletter.  Now, the only reason I got this email is because I am of course, on the staff email list, but who wants to hear about bookkeeping?  I did, however, think of some topics for articles I could write over the next few months about working in the barn office:

1.        How many times in one month can I get all the way to the bank to make the deposit, only to realize I left half the checks in my copy machine back at the office?

2.       The office door isn’t for decoration…it’s to keep the freezing cold air from blasting into my cubicle.  That’s not nose hair, it’s icicles.

3.       While we are on the subject of doors, even though you can’t see me through the cubicle wall, my head is only a foot away from the door you just slammed.  I’m wearing my coffee and having chest pains now, thanks.
4.   My name is NOT “where’s Rosco today?”, it’s Lindsay.

5.       I’m onto you.  “You look tired, do you take a vitamin?” really means “YIKES, you look like CRAP!”

In short though, I have one of the best jobs in the world.  I have a fantastic boss, a gorgeous view out the window, and a whole herd of angels dressed up as horses at my disposal.  I’ve met some of the cutest kids ever known to man, and the smell of hay and leather combined is an instant high.   I am truly blessed to be working there and have never had even the slightest regret.

Shelby on Love

This is a conversation that I had with Shelby  tonight.  She’s very insightful.

Shelby:  “Mommy.”  (She never says it like a question…it’s a statement.)  “Do you love Wayne?”

Me:  “Well, Shelby, you really have to get to know someone really well before you can say something like that.  I’ve only known him for a month.”

Shelby:  “Do you think he’s cute?”

Me:  (Insert eyeroll here) 

Shelby:  “Well, do you miss Mike?”

Me:  “Nope. ”

Shelby:  “Well, do you still like him?”

Me:  “Well, I’m sure Mike is a good person, but he is angry about a lot of things in his life and takes it out on other people.”

Shelby:  “Well, you used to love him.”

Me:  “No Shelby, Mike and I were just friends.  I never loved him like a boyfriend.”

Shelby:  “Well that’s not nice.  You know, if you don’t love someone, Jesus sends you straight to heaven like, right now.”

Me:  “Ummmmmm…no, I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Shelby:  “Well MOMMY!  Okay, it’s like this.  I love trees, but trees don’t talk but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them.”

So…there ya go. 

Love Stories

I just watched a love story by force, basically.   It got me really thinking about romance movies and how unrealistic they are and how they give young girls (and of course, men of all ages because they never learn) the wrong idea about stuff.  I’ve compiled a list of things you see in romantic movies that just aren’t right.

1.        No one ever wakes up with morning breath in these movies.  They wake up and kiss passionately.  It makes me cringe every time.

2.       The men are always dressed appropriately, maybe even a little on the boring side.  That is one thing I wish the men in my life DID pick up on when they are forced to watch romantic movies…There’s no high tops, (except Chuck Taylors, of course) no t-shirts with the sleeves ripped off, or with inappropriate phrases on them.  No frosted denim jackets or jeans that are about a half inch too short. 

3.       They always start out hating each other.  I don’t get that.  If a guy was that nasty to me, or wants me to chase him down, I think we would be pretty much done at that point.

4.       The guys in the movie always have great guy friends that they can talk about love with, with wistful looks on their faces.  In real life, I think any man that tries to talk to another man about “love” is either going to get his but kicked or he’s going to get called a name, such as “wuss” or “pansy”.

5.       The men always have pristine, beautifully decorated homes.  No secondhand furniture or posters tacked on the walls.  No bathrooms with no soap by the sink and dirty bath towels to dry your hands on.  They have bedskirts on the beds and stylish throw pillows, beautiful art on the walls.  Okay, I dated one guy that was an exception but he was madly in love with his ex-wife and probably did it all for her, since he moved her in the second we broke up.

6.         The men in these movies ALWAYS change their ways for their women, thus giving young girls (and old girls) the idea that if you force your way into a relationship with these bums, all of their downfalls will go away.  Suddenly, they start clipping their toenails, quit drinking, and develop a love for small children and cats that they didn’t have before.

Be aware, warn your young girls.  These types of movies should have disclaimers.  Because you know, I am so not jaded or bitter or anything like that.