Signs That I Should Have Stayed in Bed

This all happened today:

You wake up to the sound of the most disgusting gastrointestinal sloshing/puke noises a dog can possibly make, followed by the sound of him cleaning up after himself.

You are doing your morning routine of sitting around in a holey Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt and flannel pants, hair everywhere, staring at your computer and your boyfriend and his kid decide to stop by.  The kid stares at you in horror, then informs you your house is a nasty mess.

You bend over to pick a Qtip off the bathroom floor as the cat launches herself onto the vanity and your heads collide.

You are sitting next to another mom and dance class, whose daughter is also there for the first time, giggling uncontrollably with her as your daughters stumble around and crash into eachother.  You lean over and say “Maybe we should just find them a nice Tae Kwon Do class.” And she stops smiling and doesn’t talk to you the rest of the hour.

You are doing the self-checkout at Meijer and a bottle of cleaner you are purchasing leaks all over the conveyer belt and bagging area.  The annoyed attendant pulls out a bottle of the exact same cleaner and proceeds to spray every inch of the checkout area and hold everyone else up while “I clean up that woman’s spill.” (um, with the exact same cleaner.  Like you could have just grabbed a paper towel and sopped it up.  It’s not like it was liquid herpes or something).

Your daughter learns a song that says “What do you get when you pick a scab, pick a scab, pick a scab, what do you get when you pick a scaaaaaaab?  A scar that lasts forever.”  And she belts it out at the top of her lungs in Pizza King.

Colder Weather (Official Music Video) - Zac Brown Band

Signs that you might just need a beach vacation

You finally quit making excuses for showing up late to work.  You even make eye contact with your boss and give a hearty “Good mornin’!” as you walk past his office.

You get to work and realize you remember absolutely nothing about the drive there.

You get halfway through your morning shower and can’t remember if you’ve washed your hair yet or not.

The weather man predicts 9 inches of snow and you no longer take mental inventory of your food supply, or even blink for that matter.

The only reason you shave your legs is because the hair is starting to get caught on the seams of your jeans.

It’s date night with your boyfriend, who has an awesome personality AND is built like an underwear model and kinda just wanna stay home and watch “Ramona and Beezus” with your kid.

You angle your desk lamp so it is shining in your face and squint and pretend it’s the sun.

You walk outside with your kid in the morning and it’s 26 degrees and she says “Whoa, it’s nice out!”

I'm on a Boat!

So the other day, my sister sent me a picture of a beautiful, big giant boat.  She and my brother-in-law are the proud new parents of this fabulous craft. My boss and I huddled over my phone and zoomed in on different parts of the boat and discussed it at great length with excitement and speculation on the make, size, model, etc.

Then it happened.  I was showing off the new member of my family (the boat) to a co-worker, and he said “Doesn’t it upset you that your brother and sister can flaunt nice things like that and you’re driving around in a car with duct tape on it and living in a tiny apartment?”  I thought he was joking, but he was dead serious.  I started thinking to myself that it was a real slam on me and my car and my home.  I realized later he didn’t mean it that way, but that is truly how some people feel.  They feel real bitterness towards others who have worked their butts off and managed their money.  I once had a friend who was one of those people.  I remember how excited I was that I was finally getting a new bed.  I was telling her about it and she was told me she was so happy that I was able to buy something so nice, and proceeded to tearfully tell me how her cable was turned off, she had no gas in her car, and detailed how unfair her life was.  I felt an inch tall.  I felt like the biggest, most ungrateful idiot for buying a new bed even though I could hardly move in the morning because my mattress was so old.

The thought to be angry or jealous of my sister and brother-in-law never occurred to me until the coworker said that, and I have to admit, for a nanosecond I almost fell for it.  I’ve fallen on hard times, and I’ve been stuck in those hard times for a while now.  Yeah, I envy those who have nicer stuff, more money, etc. but I also admire them.  No one owes me a THING.  I wouldn’t trade any of my learning experiences or my life for nicer stuff.  I am solely responsible for my “financial destiny”.  I’m still making barely enough to support myself even with the new job, but there’s things I could cut back on and haven’t.  There’s things we could do with out but don’t. And things happen beyond your control, things have happened to me that were beyond my control…but if you don’t pick yourself up and dust yourself off and waste all your time being bitter at those who can have bigger and better, you are in for one heck of a miserable life.

I got a higher paying job…just in time to find out a surgery I had wasn’t covered by insurance and I had to pay for it.  I’m getting a big tax refund.  It should be here any day…and my car window broke and the mechanic found a problem with my axle.  I also got a free month of rent this month for renewing my lease for another year.  The tax laws changed, I can’t take the advanced earned income credit on my paycheck anymore, cutting my take home pay by $140 a month.  But, I got a raise at the stable.

Those are just a few examples.  God works in mysterious ways and makes sure have what I need.  My mom helps me immensely.  As for my sister and brother-in-law and their new boat…I’m happy for them and happy for the excitement they are feeling and I truly hope no one tries to crap on their parade.  And in looking at the pictures, I’ve already picked out the seat for me and my frosty beverage.

Today's Vents

To the Dog:  You started out the morning by eating the legs off of one of Shelby’s favorite toys.  Then, when she came into the bathroom while I was showering to tell me you crapped all over the bedroom floor, it probably wasn’t a good time to steal her Pop-Tart.  There’s about 20 nice older women at the stable that want you.  Go ahead and start picking one out.

To Emma the Cat:  It happens every Saturday morning, at least two or three times and I am over it.  Do NOT jump on my lap while I am taking a drink of my coffee, bonking my elbow in the process causing me to knock my teeth out with my coffee cup.  Furthermore, you do NOT have to dig your claws into my thigh to gain purchase while I am suffering from the shock of getting my teeth knocked out and spilling my coffee down the front of my shirt.  You are going to be the consolation prize for one of the older women that Rosco doesn’t choose.

To Nemo the Cat:  I don’t know if you have noticed that I don’t have time to hunker down next to the litterbox closet with a poop scoop in my hand waiting for Emma to create something I can clean up for you.  Get over your inability to poop in a litterbox that already has stuff in it.  I scoop it twice a day, that’s sufficient.  I’m trading you in on a pet rat.  Rats live in cages.

To The Car:  I don’t care about your traction control system, your ABS, or your stupid broken window.  I get your oil changed.  I’m gentle with your brakes, according to your doctor.  Go ahead and activate the ABS all you want for absolutely no reason.  The lights on your dashboard?  Light ‘em up, I don’t care!  Broken window?  Who needs drive thrus, right?  BITE ME.

And last but not least, Shelby:  The reason you can’t have a new bike, pillow pet, Barbie, or even a Skittle is because I have to get a loan to feed you.  If I ate even HALF as much as you do, I would weigh 400 pounds.  And I would like to congratulate you on the impossible today…Wayne actually yelled.  Grant it, it was in terror and fear for your life, but it was something I never thought I would see.  I didn’t even think Wayne even gets slightly alarmed about anything, much less yell.  Sometimes you have to remind him to blink or breathe, I think.  And you gave him a chance to see his normally quiet, level-headed girlfriend go completely ballistic, complete with screaming and a swat on your butt, along with the rest of the people at Cool Creek park that thought they were there for a relaxing good time.

Sigh.  Much better.

SERIOUSLY??????

I knew it was going to be an interesting night when I got to the daycare and Shelby was wearing pants that didn’t belong to her.  I looked at the teacher, who informed me that she peed her pants, it got on her pants and on the floor but somehow missed her underwear.  Really?  I looked at the daycare director, who looked at me accusingly, since this was certainly all my fault.  The daycare director then told me that she caught Shelby whispering in another child’s ear.  GASP!

Then…she told me that apparently the conversation was about mommy and mommy’s boyfriend kissing.  She followed it by a look that said “So take your skanky self with your fake leather high heel boots and your out of control child out to your duct taped car and try to get a sitter the next time you decide to have an orgy in your home.”

So it gets better.  I got in the car, and told Shelby “You know, I guess you saw me and Wayne kissing but we don’t need to tell people stuff like that because it is private.”  To which Shelby replied, “Whatever, mommy.  We don’t look at other people’s privates and you know that.” 

We got home, and in the time it took me to pee and wash my hands she downed three oreos and started on a pop tart.  I ordered a pizza, which she ate a little of, and then she got the eggs out and informed Wayne and I that she was going to scramble some eggs.   (Yes, I let Wayne come over but told him to keep his clothes on until we can get a sitter.)  I told her she was absolutely not going to scramble some eggs and she slammed them on the counter and turned to argue with me, and Wayne quietly said, “No eggs, Shelby.”  And the weirdest thing happened…she shut up.  She pouted, but she shut up.

I’m walking a tightrope with this kid.  Every single conversation is a battle.  Everything that happens at daycare is a direct reflection on me and my skanktastic lifestyle. 

I’m off to have a cocktail of Premsyn and Prozac.  Goodnight, y’all.

Renewal?

Well, I completely cleaned my kitchen and dining room.  My stovetop is sparkling, the kitchen floor has been scrubbed by hand, all of the cabinet doors are wiped down, and the kitchen table has been thoroughly Endusted.  Rock on.  I also vaccuumed the living room.  Party. 
I haven't seen Wayne since Friday.  Well, I saw him Sunday but he sort of wants me to forget that I saw him stumble around in sweats that he'd been wearing for two days with no shower or shaving during either those days.  He pretended to be so horrified, but he still looked totally hot.  Now THAT is a good dad, to be that sick and drag himself out of his apartment to take his kid to a park and call me and offer to pick mine up, too.  He thinks he is starting to get better, he told me that when he called me at 6:30 to tell me he was going to bed.
I'm finally getting better.  Sarah brought me a Zpack last night and I took the first two doses last night and the third today.  Already, the throbbing in my cheeks is gone and my snot is clear and doesn't have blood in it anymore.  I may win that Miss America pageant after all.  Except for the giant recurring monthly zit I get each month on the side of my chin, it may ruin my chances.  But I'm sure my talents will win the hearts of the judges:  I can play the xylophone, snare drum, and wiggle my ears.  I have a great Katie Perry imitation, too since the Firework song came out.  It scares the living bejeezus out of Shelby, it's awesome.
I feel alot better now that I am getting a handle on this house, my mood is starting to pick back up again.  It's the little things.
Valentine's day turned out to be pretty good.  We had a pitch in at work and I ate until I burst.  One of my coworkers gave us all little valentines and Fun Dip candy.  Then I got to my mom's and she had bought me a bunch of new clothes and cooked me steak and we had cake with hearts on it!
The woman coming in for the Valentine's day ride couldn't make it, she has pneumonia.  Our director called and offered to bring one of the miniature horses over to her house but she wants to reschedule her ride, and swears she is going to get to do it.  The program coordinator pretty much told her to call anytime, we would make it happen no matter what.  I am so glad she wants to reschedule, that she still wants to make this happen and hasn't given up.
Hopefully I'll get my funny back.  I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to a woman who isn't giving up on her ride and a little spring cleaning.