The Language of Shelby

Emerginee:  (ee-merge-in-e)

Me:  “Shelby, who is is this Derrick you keep talking about?”

Shelby:  “He’s my emerginee boyfriend.”

Me:  (Blank stare, crickets chirping)

Shelby (rolling eyes):  “YOU KNOW…the kind of friend that only I can see and no one else?”

Imaginary.

Toofus:  (two-fuss)

“I have two loose toofus, but mommy won’t pull them out.”

Teeth.

Benis:  (This is a delicate matter)

Shelby:  “Mommy!  Look at that big benis!!!  That is a HUGE benis!”

Me:  “WHAT did you just say?????   Ahem…and uh…where?”

Shelby:  (Points to bee hive) “Over there!  Wow, those bees made a giant benis!”

Me:  “That’s awesome!  Whoa!  But, you know what?  They aren’t really called bee nests, there are bee HIVES.  HIVES.  BEE HIVES.  And we stay away from bee hives!  Never touch one!  Well, and benis’s for that matter.”

Bee nest.

Innerpropiate:  (inner-pro-pee-ate)

Dog steals cheeseburger from the coffee table, where Shelby is enjoying a happymeal:

Shelby:  “YOU JACKASS!”

Me:  “SHELBY!!!!  That is a terrible word!  Where did you hear that?”

Shelby:  “The movie “Wiggly Blonde”  (Legally Blonde)  “I’m sorry, mommy!  I didn’t know it was innerpropiate!”

Inappropriate

Spigeeto:  (spig-eet-o)

“These spigeeto bites itch SO bad!”

Mosquito

Brewk:  (well…brewk)

“These are brand new crayons and I already brewk one!”

Broke

Las Biggas:  (Las Big-us)

“I want to move to Las Big-us.  Everyone can come visit us there, and we can come back here and visit, but I want to be wif Wayne.”

Las Vegas

Magzugzeen:  (mag-zug-zeen)

“Mommy, do we have any magzugzeens I can read while I sit on the potty?”

Magazine

Pool Etiquette for the Apartment Dweller:

1.        Please don’t stand behind your wife and ogle the sunbathers.

2.       We are glad that you are reliving your honeymoon that you had 30 years ago, but please keep in mind there are small children about and the 30 minutes that you and your husband have spent in a lip-lock, milling about in the pool whispering sweet nothings in eachother’s ears, complete with your legs wrapped around his waist, is a tad inappropriate.

3.       Teenagers:  We all know how much fun it is trying out new words, but the day my kid asks me to make her a mother****ing sandwich is the day I will hunt you down and duct tape your mouth shut, throw your cell phone into the pool and run over your Ipod with my Buick.

4.       Parents of small children:  We know you and your child are wonderful and special and way better than everyone else, but it is not necessary to carry on a loud running commentary on how wonderful they are for all of us to hear.  Yeah, I see you glancing around to see who is listening.  Don’t worry, none of us have a choice but to listen. 

5.        Men:  It’s not necessary to shake your head, creating an instant Justin Beiber look and to spit out a big stream of water after you jump in.  Maybe it works for the guys in the movies, but this is Lion’s Creek and all the single ladies are bitter and probably horribly annoyed because they just shouted “NO RUNNING” at their kid for the 480^th time.

6.       It’s okay to ignore my kid, really.  If you ignore her she goes away.  If you talk to her she will stalk you for the rest of your life.  Plus, if you ignore her it makes me feel less guilty that I am sitting in a lounge chair reading my book, secretly glad that she has found someone else to bug the crap out of.

7.       Your ringtone sucks, and obviously, whoever it is that is calling really wants to get ahold of you because that is the 8^th time in two minutes that they have called.  ANSWER IT.

8.       If you are going to hang out in the shallow end or the kiddie pool, don’t get all indignant and ticked off when a little kid jumps in and splashes you.  It is a pool.  That’s sort of why we are here.  Go ahead and give my kid a dirty look, I dare you.  I’ve been drinking green tea all day and forgot to take my Prozac this past week.

9.       For the love of God, don’t bring squirt guns, and if you do, don’t loan one to my kid.

10.   It’s okay to pick your wedgie as soon as you exit the pool.  We all understand, you do not have the monopoly on swimsuit wedgies.  You don’t have to walk all the way to your chair with the thong look, and stand behind it and be discreet about it. 

Blah

I’ve been sitting in my recliner sneering and pouting about my glamorous life.  Maybe by writing this all out, I can find the positive side.

So every summer, when I am out in the sun, the area above my top lip turns darker than the rest of my face  On top of it, due to budget constraints, I am doomed to a bad hair day every day for a while.  I’m trying to find creative things to do with my mop, but I just can’t drag myself up out of bed early enough each morning to deal with it.  On a positive note…the past few years my mustache has had sort of a “Hitler” look to it.  At least this year it has spread wider to cover the entire upper lip.

Next up, my child.  She is a sight to behold.  As we speak she is “reading” to herself on the couch in a bathing suit that she hopes to sleep in.  She is mouthy, sassy, stubborn, and awesome.  However, not everyone finds these traits quite so endearing.  She gets snapped at and shot down a lot, but luckily she bounces right back up.  There were hints from the daycare director tonight that if things aren’t better tomorrow I will be getting a “behavior report”.  Maybe this is why she wants to move to Nevada even more than she wants a pony or a guinea pig.  I told her she has no friends or family out there and she said that’s why there are airplanes and pictures, and that she will make lots of new friends.  She just wants to be with her Wayne “more den anyfing”.  She says I am happy with Wayne, and she wants us all to be together again and “life will be right out there”.  I’m not real sure if that’s a positive or a negative that she feels that way.  If she wants to come up with the money and pack up a truck and drive all of our crap down there and find me a job, I’m in.

As we speak, single dad neighbor is blowing up my phone with texts.  I have explained to him that although I love his kids, I am not looking for a boyfriend, and I am in love with someone else.  So as we sat at my table the other night when he showed up with a peace offering (a Bud Light), he said, “I buy you lots of jewelry.”  (Keep in mind he doesn’t speak English very well.)  I explained that I have jewelry.  He wanted to know if Wayne bought me jewelry and I said yes.  He asked why I don’t wear it and I told him that I broke it.  So he said, “I buy you a piñata, then.”   Sigh…I gotta admit, I always have kind of wanted a pinata.  But…not that much.

Last but not least, Wayne.  Pressure-free “You can move out here and I got us a really pretty spot to live and there’s lots of jobs, not that you would need one but I know you’d want your own money with what’s happened in your past and we will be happy and together forever and your friends and family can come here and you can go see them whenever and there’s lots of horse farms and Shelby can swim every day and it’s not humid and the sun shines all the time and there’s no snow and it would be such an honor to me to be Shelby’s daddy, and I will help you move here any way that I can” Wayne.  Wayne doesn’t understand that I have a boss and a mom who would fight for position in line to beat me senseless if I decided to move out there.

Sigh…thank God it’s bedtime and I don’t have to think anymore.

The Updates-Good, Bad and Ugly

The friend diagnosed with lung cancer:  The night before Wayne left, I got a call that Nadene was in a coma, had been taken to a hospice, and they didn't think she would make it through the next few days.  The next day, I believe, I got another call that she came out of her coma and they were moving her to a regular nursing home for rehab.  The move got delayed a day or two, and when they finally moved her I called her, expecting to talk to a very sick lady.  She answered the phone, sounded great, so we went to visit her.  She was up, moving around, and seemed to be feeling better than she had in the past year.  She decided not to go through with the chemo though, she knows she won't survive it.  Yesterday, only a week and a half later, my sister and I went to visit her.  She had been moved to a new room and I didn't think to ask why, but when we got there to see her I barely recognized her.  This strong lady that I have known since I was 8 years old, who has always taken care of everyone else, and was a rock was in a wheelchair, tethered to oxygen, shaking, and I never once saw her get up and walk.  We asked her if there is anything we can bring her to pass the time with.  She wants a stuffed animal to hold.  That was it.  No books, or lotions...just a stuffed animal to sleep with and cruise around in her wheelchair with.  I think I'm going to go out and by her a hundred of the damn things.
Wayne:  He left for Nevada on a Tuesday and made it out there on Saturday.  He had a job waiting for him when he got there, and he just moved into his new apartment that he selected with Shelby and I in mind, as part of his "You ARE moving out here if I have to drag you here by your hair" campaign.  His job is going well.  His dogs are driving him nuts.  He smashed up his truck at his new apartment on a concrete pole in the parking lot that was dark red and impossible to see at nighttime.  He calls me every morning on his way to work, and every night when he gets home.  Every conversation he asks me what he has to do to get me out there.  He bribes me with "You won't have to work." and things like that.  Then he texts me and tells me why he wants me out there.
It was supposed to fade, I wasn't supposed to miss him this much at this point and I still do, just as much as the day he left.
The Smash-O-Gram:  The results on the mammogram and ultrasound were all good, and they said they don't need to see me again until I am 40!!!!!  I did however, find out that there is absolutely no way to look or act cool while you are getting one of those things.  They made me wear this weird little shirt that no longer covered up the fact that the zipper on my pants was broken, making me look like an even bigger doofus.  I'm sure the technician wanted to tell me my fly was down, but she never did.  I should have explained that the zipper was broken and that's why I was wearing a shirt that covered it.  I bet she lays awake at night thinking about my zipper and what an idiot I am.  I'm pretty sure when she left me alone in the ultrasound room, it was to go tell everyone that my fly was down.
So those are the updates.  Hopefully I can find something funny to write about soon!