Silent Night?

It’s going on midnight.  My child won’t go to sleep.  You’re probably thinking, “Then why are you sitting at a computer typing rather than laying with her, or comforting her, or singing her lullabies?”  Well, it’s like this:  She’s five years old.  She’s manipulative.  She makes the energizer bunny look like a hunting dog on a porch on a hot summer day.  She can’t be comforted, because she isn’t uncomfortable.  She never shuts up.  If I sang to her, she would get up and dance.  And if I get within five feet of her right now, I just might not be able to suppress my urge to duct tape her to her sheets.  Just when it gets quiet and I think she may have drifted off, I hear a little voice say something stupid, like, “What’s a hyena?” or “What’s inside an eyeball?”  I have been working on this bedtime crap for THREE FREAKING HOURS.  I’m throwing in the towel.  I’m going to go guzzle down a bottle of cold medicine and hope she has the presence of mind to call 911 if I stop breathing.  Oh wait, I’m screwed because she thinks its 991.

Okay, it’s 12:02 now and she just informed me that Wayne forgot his sweatshirt. 

I’m starting to think I’m the one who is batcrap, maybe she’s normal. 
Okay…she just told me that she is going to fall asleep on the couch and that I don’t need to wake her up because she will wake herself up.  The fun part is when I pick her up off the couch, she’s sound asleep and the sleep talking starts…”No, I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine it’s all good put the kitty in the window, the kitty in the window, where’d you park the car?  The Oreos are talking again mommy, and they’re really loud.  Okay thankyaverymuch.”  She sounds like an auctioneer with a smurf voice.  Then I settle into her bed, she quiets down and looks like the little angel everyone thinks she is.

G’night, y’all.