Housekeeping

I must be the world’s worst mother, because my kid is the biggest slob I have ever come across EVER. 

Below is a diagram of my apartment, to give you an idea of the layout.  It's a rough drawing, but the size is exact:

Let’s say I decide to clean the bathroom.  While I am in there cleaning, which takes 10 to 15 minutes, Shelby gets to work.  When I exit the bathroom and enter the living room, there is a nest of throw blankets and pillows in front of the couch, string cheese wrappers, Barbies, crackers, spilled apple juice all over the coffee table, along with an assortment of various toys and makeup.  I gripe and complain and tell her to clean it up and then, let’s say I start on the kitchen.  This takes a while and impairs my hearing with the water running, garbage disposal grumbling, etc.  I leave the kitchen and walk into the living room to find all of the crap that was on the coffee table stashed on the recliner (with the exception of the apple juice), cheese wrappers and all, pillows and blankets tossed in a heap on the couch, and the smell of Formula 409 in the air, since she used a half a bottle on the coffee table to clean it.  Shelby is nowhere to be found.

I find her in the bathroom that I just cleaned, with her big Barbie head with the long hair under the faucet, water spraying everywhere, and every towel we own on the floor.  By now I’ve pretty much lost my mind, and she takes off with the dripping wet Barbie head and 2 or 3 towels to God only knows where, kinda like when you catch a dog with your cheeseburger in his mouth and he takes off and hides under the bed with it where he knows you won’t even bother to try to reach him.  I set to work mopping up the wet mess and return to the living room.  Giant wet Barbie head and every accessory she owns is on the coffee table, sitting in a puddle, towels strewn all over the floor, and the blankets and pillows on the couch have returned to the floor as well, since the hair stylist needed a place to sit.  Once again, no Shelby. 

I find her in her bedroom, naked, with half of the contents of her dresser all over her bedroom floor.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?????”  (I’m screaming at this point.)  “Well Mommy, I got wet washing Barbie’s head and  had to change my clothes.”  “WHY ARE YOUR CLOTHES ALL OVER THE FLOOR????”  “Because Mommy, I have to find something pretty to wear!”

Occasionally we have conversations like this:

Me:  “Shelby, why is the broom on the dining room table?”

Shelby:  “Cuz I was gonna sweep and put it there so I could move the trash can.”

Me:  “Well, why is the trash can in front of the TV?”

Shelby”  “Cuz I was carrying it out of the kitchen and “Good Luck Charlie” came on.”

Me:  “Okay.  So why is one of the dining room chairs in the kitchen?”

Shelby:  “Cuz Rosco wanted a treat and they are on the top shelf.”

Me:  “Did you give him one?  Cuz I just passed him in the hallway and he was carrying an apple core heading towards my bed.”

And don't even get me started on the animals.