We Made It...(Belated)

I finally have my life to the point where I can sit for a few minutes at a time and actually get on Facebook, or send an email, and this morning I am trying to think of something to write on my poor neglected blog.  So I guess I will write about the past month of our crazy lives.
Shelby and I survived the trip out here, as did my dear dad and stepmom, mice, and Buick.  The plane trip went exceptionally well considering I had a 6 year old, two suitcases, two carry-ons, and two unsedated cats with me.  The cats had to be removed from their carriers at security and carried through.  Shelby took the smaller cat, I took the big fat one, and they both cooperated beautifully.  One cat cried during takeoff the whole time, and the other cat just kicked back for the flight like he does it all the time.  He was so confident in himself he didn't even listen to the safety speech they give before takeoff.
Wayne met us in baggage, and when Shelby spotted him she took off at full speed to jump into his waiting arms, and got shy once she got 5 feet away and hit the brakes.  The whole shy act lasted about two minutes though.
My dad and stepmom Lori drove my car out here with Shelby's mice.  The car did great, and the mice saw some beautiful country.  I would receive a picture of them now and then, their cage sitting on a rock in the petrified forest or on a ledge overlooking the painted desert.  It was usually followed by a picture of a bird and a text from my dad explaining that the bird is what came by and ate the mice.   My favorite was when he called me and gave me a mile marker number and interstate, and told me there was a small cross made of sticks and a shallow grave that he dug with a Subway cup to bury the mice, etc etc.
I let Shelby take that first week off from school, but she started the second week.  When I took her to register her, the school was very different than her school in Indiana because it is about 1/4 the size.  There weren't any formalities...they called a teacher up to the front office, who came out, squatted down in front of her, asked her a couple of questions and then he stood up and said "This one is mine."  It was love at first sight, I'm pretty sure.  Shelby blushed the whole time he was talking to her, and he doesn't seem to be much older than her.  I also found her the daycare of her dreams, complete with a huge indoor playground that looks like a little town for when it is too HOT to play outside.  She has adjusted amazingly, she actually seems happier these days than she's ever been.  The daycare employees absolutely adore her and her freckles.
I got a job and started working a couple of weeks ago.  Wayne works for a small plumbing company, owned by a husband and wife team.  He and the husband are the only plumbers on staff, and they hired me to do the bookkeeping and dispatching.  I work out of the house.  No new clothes had to be purchased, I work out of their house!
It really is beautiful here...we are surrounded by hills and mountains.  Over by my office, some of the mountains even have snow on them!  I've always loved mountains for some reason. 
Do I miss Indiana?  No.  Do I miss my peeps in Indiana?  So bad it hurts!

6 Years Later...

Six years ago I remember everything about that day.  Bruce had the day off work and was home with Shelby, and brought her to my office to see me.  She had a little bit of poop on her sock from when he had changed her diaper earlier that day.  I remember being kind of annoyed by that.  I made hamburgers for dinner with Grandma Brown's brand baked beans.  A friend Bruce hadn't seen in a while was supposed to come over to visit and he was pretty excited, bustling around cleaning the house and fidgeting at the computer while he surfed the net.  I remember weird details like the shirt he was wearing that night, the beer he had in his hand, and how unbelievably cold it was outside.  But I had never dreamed that it was going to be the last night I ever saw him alive.
It has gotten easier to deal with over the years but this year has been a little hard because there is so much different going on in my life right now...not really anything familiar and comforting like there was in Indiana, and most of all my mom isn't here.  We don't like, sit and re-live it, but she was there living through it with me, and quietly in the background taking care of the things I couldn't.  And the rest of my family, too, at a time when all I had the energy to do was cry and lash out at everything and everyone around me.
I have to work tomorrow, it's life as usual.  It still hurts though in a different way.  Like I told Wayne earlier...it's not so much the missing him as it is the unfairness and the memories of how I felt that day and the months afterwards.  I'm at peace with where he is, as Shelby's gaurdian angel, hangin' out with Jesus.  But I will never be able to erase the way I felt, the guilt I felt for not calling an ambulance sooner, for the constant nagging and griping I did the last two months he was alive about money and anything else I could think of to nag about.  I will never be able to erase the memories of the morning that he died, the hope I felt when I saw him that maybe he had just fainted, the terror when I realized it was more than that, and the absolute disbelief when a nurse confirmed what I already knew deep down.  I will never be able to understand why he has to miss out on this beautiful, mischevious, drama queen, comedienne of a little girl.
I don't have a grave to visit this year, so this is all I've got.  Once again, just as last year...Rest in Peace, Bruce.  We will never stop missing you.

Moving Updates

Moving  Updates:

·         The U-boxes were delivered Friday.  They are tiny.  I’m freaking out.

·         My neighbors love the U-boxes.  They stand gather around them and talk amongst each other.  One of them even took a brief tutorial with the lady that dropped them off, which was good because I had absolutely no idea how to open them when I got home.  Tonight one neighbor offered to help fill them up.  The other neighbor scooped my kid up into his arms and took her to his place so “Mommy can get some stuff done and you can keep my girls company”.  Another neighbor asked me to poke holes in the boxes so he can ride to Nevada with my stuff.  Again…they are tiny.  I’m freaking out.

·         My tires need balanced.  They are brand new.  I didn’t noticed that they weren’t balanced until I got on the highway two days after they were installed and my arms went numb.  I’m freaking out.

·         My oil needs changed.  I’m freaking out.

·         The cats have to have shots and get tranquilizers and I have to buy kitty carriers before we can get on the plane.  I’m leaving November 14^th.  I’m freaking out.

·         I have maxed out Wayne’s credit card.  And the cats need shots and the oil needs changed and I have to buy kitty carriers and the kitties need plane tickets and I have to come up with $400 for gas and I have no money.  I’m freaking out.

·         I’m flying to Nevada on a four hour flight by myself with a child and two cats who have to be removed from their kitty carriers and carried through security.  I think I’m going to barf.

·         Shelby’s toys are in boxes and her dog is at someone else’s house and her mommy has turned into a psycho and keeps shoving her off on other people. She’s freaking out.

·         I’m leaving in 8 days.  I’m freaking out.

When Life Attacks…

My house is trashed, there are boxes everywhere, and they are mostly empty because I am never home.  Every day is the same, pretty much.  I get up, take the dog out, feed him and the cats, take a shower, and fight with Shelby for the next half hour to get her out the door without a massive meltdown of some sort.  I get to work, then I leave work, and pick up Shelby with more fighting and arguing.  I try to pack, I try to clean, but the child requires constant attention and interaction.  Wayne feels terrible because he knows I am trying to do this all on my own and there’s nothing he can do to help me except pay for it all, which I am extremely grateful for.

I’ve been upset a lot, I’ve been complaining a lot, and I’ve been having a LOT of selfish thoughts.   I am so overwhelmed that I am exhausted and have a constant headache.  I’ve gotten nasty with customer service people on the phone, I’ve cussed out people on 37 that cut me off like it’s MY fault they didn’t get over into the right hand lane a mile ago, I’ve sat in my living room and bawled because no one is helping me.  I’ve gotten discouraged with my job and all of its drama, I’m upset with friends I never hear from anymore (gee I wonder why, I’m such a great person to be around) and all I want to do is sleep.   Shelby’s school is like a black hole in my checking account and I have a lease I can’t break.

My life is like constant noise.  Not nice noises, like a beach, or a train in the distance, or a waterfall, but more like some screeching noise with heavy metal music playing in the background and a touch of screaming child and yappy Chihuahua on the edges of it. 

Yesterday, it went completely silent.   I was sitting in my cubicle talking to my boss and my phone rang.  It was my sister calling me to tell me she has cancer.   The problems, the selfishness, the noise…everything went away.  God crept quietly back into the center of my life, just as he always does when things go wrong and I realize I am not the manager of the universe and I have absolutely no control over anything.  I want to yell and scream and cry but this isn’t about me.  This is about my sister and she doesn’t need to be the one trying to comfort everyone else.

I can’t describe the feeling I have right now.  All I can think about is my sister, and wonder why in the hell this is happening to her.  We know nothing about the cancer or how far it has spread yet but I know she is going to be okay.  There’s no way that she will let cancer win.

Please pray for her, her husband, and the granddaughter she is raising.  If you don’t believe in God, then do whatever it is you do when things go wrong in your life or in the life of someone you love.  And get rid of some of the noise in your life and take the time to realize that it could be worse, and it’s not always about you.

Moving

I said I wasn’t going to do it.  No way, no how would I ever be some woman that would uproot her kid and her life over some MAN.  I was a GOOD mom.  I would never deny my family and friends of my wonderful and uplifting presence.  I was SO better than that.

So my dad and stepmom are driving my Uhaul out there on November 13 and Shelby and I will probably fly out on the 14^th,  on a one way ticket.  We will be moving to sunny and hot Henderson, NV, just outside of Las Vegas.

Although I’ve gotten tons of support from my friends and family, I’ve gotten some flack from people that obviously don’t know me that well.  So of course that bothers me.  “WHY would you move there?”  “Do you really think this is a good idea?”  “Is he really worth all this?”  If you knew me well enough, you would know that this is a decision that I did NOT take lightly, this is not a whim, and I would not risk screwing up my kid’s life.  I’m very sure of Wayne’s character and type of man that he is.  If I did not trust him with my life, I would not be involved with him.  If I did not trust him with my life, I would not be getting rid of 75% of my crap, and moving out there with no job and hardly a dime in my pocket.  And if he didn’t trust me with his life, I don’t think he would be covering my Uhaul, plane tickets, travel expenses for my dad and stepmom, and paying to break my lease.  If he didn’t trust me with his life he wouldn’t invite me, with all my debt and no job into his life, and he wouldn’t tell me how proud it would make him to be Shelby’s dad.  So for those of you who are doubters, there are all the facts that were none of your business in the first place, and I feel better for venting.  Think what you want in your head, not everything has to come out of your mouth.  Of course the people that have said these things to me more than likely don’t even know me well enough to know I have a blog.  But like I said, I feel better.

For those of you who are happy for me, and who are supporting me, THANK YOU.

I hardly see anyone anymore, so hey, maybe now that I will be living so close to a tourist destination I will see more of my friends and family! 

Fun with the Iphone Camera-Another Picture Essay

Bad Hair Day

The Hitchiker



So uh, NOW do you understand why I'm moving?




Driving to work...this is what the fellow motorists see.



Shelby acting like she likes me...



Sigh



If you don't think this dog is cute, there is something very wrong with you.

My co-pilot.

Dolly needs bail money!

This actually truly scared the crap out of me when I turned around.

The Language of Shelby

Emerginee:  (ee-merge-in-e)

Me:  “Shelby, who is is this Derrick you keep talking about?”

Shelby:  “He’s my emerginee boyfriend.”

Me:  (Blank stare, crickets chirping)

Shelby (rolling eyes):  “YOU KNOW…the kind of friend that only I can see and no one else?”

Imaginary.

Toofus:  (two-fuss)

“I have two loose toofus, but mommy won’t pull them out.”

Teeth.

Benis:  (This is a delicate matter)

Shelby:  “Mommy!  Look at that big benis!!!  That is a HUGE benis!”

Me:  “WHAT did you just say?????   Ahem…and uh…where?”

Shelby:  (Points to bee hive) “Over there!  Wow, those bees made a giant benis!”

Me:  “That’s awesome!  Whoa!  But, you know what?  They aren’t really called bee nests, there are bee HIVES.  HIVES.  BEE HIVES.  And we stay away from bee hives!  Never touch one!  Well, and benis’s for that matter.”

Bee nest.

Innerpropiate:  (inner-pro-pee-ate)

Dog steals cheeseburger from the coffee table, where Shelby is enjoying a happymeal:

Shelby:  “YOU JACKASS!”

Me:  “SHELBY!!!!  That is a terrible word!  Where did you hear that?”

Shelby:  “The movie “Wiggly Blonde”  (Legally Blonde)  “I’m sorry, mommy!  I didn’t know it was innerpropiate!”

Inappropriate

Spigeeto:  (spig-eet-o)

“These spigeeto bites itch SO bad!”

Mosquito

Brewk:  (well…brewk)

“These are brand new crayons and I already brewk one!”

Broke

Las Biggas:  (Las Big-us)

“I want to move to Las Big-us.  Everyone can come visit us there, and we can come back here and visit, but I want to be wif Wayne.”

Las Vegas

Magzugzeen:  (mag-zug-zeen)

“Mommy, do we have any magzugzeens I can read while I sit on the potty?”

Magazine