So I Come Off As Self-Centered...

I have a confession to make, a deep dark secret.  I’ve been hiding it since birth.  Maybe it’s a phobia.

I can walk up to a complete stranger, tell them my life story and then some, but I absolutely cannot reach out to people.  I don’t think I’m shy, as I can talk to anyone…but I can’t ask them THEIR life story in return.  (That’s just an example).

I have a serious, sincere phobia of “bothering” people.  I am so afraid that I am going to butt into something that is none of my business, or say or ask the wrong thing.

Here are a couple more examples:

Meals:  At church and at Agape, when someone is going through a hard time, or an illness or injury, we take turns taking them food.  When I see a list like this I break out into a cold sweat and taking notice that my name is the only one missing.  I had a breakthrough a few months back when a coworker’s wife was very ill.  I made them some chili and a salad but the closer it got to actually dropping the meal off, the more of a mess I became.  By the time I reached this kind man’s driveway, I was shaking.  I breathed the biggest sigh of relief to find him in his driveway getting something out of his trunk.  I literally jumped out of my car, leaving the door open (I’m surprised I remembered to put it in park), shoved the bag at him, gave him a hug, and sped off into the night.  I’m terrified of interrupting this person’s night, or making them feel obligated to be nice or hospitable.  I know the person on the receiving end does not feel this way, but as the giver I feel as if I am forcing my way into this person’s life at a time when they just want some peace.

Depression and hard times:  My boyfriend is depressed, and I can’t bring myself to talk to him about it.  I just try to create as little drama in his life as possible and always have a smile on my face in his presence. I have a friend that I recently suspected was extremely burned out and tired and could never bring myself to say something to her out of fear of being told to mind my own business, (which that person would never do).  Another friend had a close relative die and I couldn’t bring myself to ask her how she was dealing with it because I know she gets asked that same question 20 times a day or I am afraid of making her sad. 

I am so terrified of stirring something up or crossing a line, that I come across as heartless, uncaring, and self centered.  I’m not, I just can’t bring myself to prove otherwise and it sucks.  I can’t even tell someone that I am proud of them or I’ve been thinking of them.  It’s weird.

So there, it’s out.  I’m working on it.